Joely Sue Burkhart

One of the coolest, most useful things someone ever taught me is the first-person character letter.  In building my next project, I started writing backstory–nearly 30 pages of history already!!–and my heroine, Rae, chose to write a letter to the hero, Dr. Connagher, Conn for short, her English professor the previous semester.  The day of finals, a SIGNIFICANT defining moment happened in his office, one I’ve explored in agonizing detail already.  But once I started thinking about this letter, I realized she could write more of them throughout the next five years. 

Yes, this is all still backstory.  It takes five years+ before she runs into Conn again.  Five years of hell.  But meeting him is far from a happy little reunion.  I’m actually thinking of using these letters somehow in the novella, but I’m not sure yet.  They are helping me tremendously as I iron out the internal conflicts.  Rae is hugely, desperately conflicted, and rightfully so.  Each letter helps me define her.

So here’s her first letter to Dr. Connagher, written a little over one week after the fateful moment in his office, the last day of finals week.  She was supposed to meet him one week later, a Friday night.  This is her explanation for why she wasn’t there. 

Dear Dr. Connagher:

A simple letter probably isn’t the best way to tell you all of this. But I need to write this out for myself, as much as you. If we talked on the phone, I don’t think I could get it all out. All the emotions. The fear, the longing, the turmoil, the agony. Oh, the agony. Every moment I’m not there with you is torture.

If I’d met you this past Friday night–one week to the day as we agreed–I know I couldn’t have sat there on our first real date and told you the truth. It’s not that you’d intimidate me, or scare me, exactly. It’s me. I lose my will when I’m with you.

I just want you so damned bad. I’d do anything to be with you. So this is really for the best. I know it. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

Daddy was in a freak accident Friday morning and nearly died. I’ve spent the last few days at the hospital, waiting with my family to see if he’ll live, how badly he’ll be handicapped. He’s never going to be the same, and he’ll have years of physical therapy and doctor’s visits. I need to stay here. I need to help Mom, try to find a way to pay his medical bills, save his business. I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll be returning to Drury. Finishing my degree is the last thing on my mind right now, even though I only have a few semesters left.

Every single word of that is true. However, it’s also true that I didn’t have my car completely loaded to come back to campus before the accident. I hadn’t decided for sure to come back to you.

You know me, don’t you? Indecisive, desperate to please you, worried about making the wrong choice, wavering, waffling. Why was it so hard to decide? It’s simple, isn’t it? Would I see you again or not? Would we have our first date? Would we begin a relationship, a serious commitment as you said?

Self preservation, Conn. I have to protect myself. When I’m with you, I want what you want. I don’t even know what I want. You hurt me in your office. You embarrassed me. And yet you made me feel incredible, too. You made me want it. You made me want you to hurt me. How messed up is that?

Yet I lie awake at night remembering, and it’s all I can do not to jump in my car and drive straight to you.

I know you’ll never read this. You hate e-mail. It would be better to mail it to your office. But what if someone read it by accident? True, again, but it’s also true that maybe deep down in my dark, scary place only you’ve seen, I know I really don’t want you to read this at all.

~ Rae

See why this story is going to be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable to write?  I probably won’t even share more than snippets of the rest.  They’re too… raw. 

Yet I can’t wait to write this story, either. It’s one of those have-tos.  I HAVE to tell Rae’s story.  Another 2,964 words for Sven despite sitting at urgent care with LM tonight for nearly two hours (double ear infection).