I sound like the Grinch – but Whoville is in my head and it’s been rather noisy lately. Okay, for the past year.
For me, indecision and uncertainty can be crippling. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to let go and just deal with whatever may happen. I’m consumed with “what ifs” that honestly don’t even matter, all spawned by whatever cliff might be approaching.
Like the whole Samhain thing – for over a year. Will they close? What if they close? What if they don’t give me my rights back? WHAT IF THEY DO?
Thousands and thousands of incessant thoughts swirling all the time in the background. Then add in Princess’s college decision, Middle’s knee rehab and whether she’ll be able to play next year, Evil Day job fun (cough), That Man generally being an ass, other submissions hanging over my head…
It’s hard to get any writing done when so much clamor is filling up my brain.
I guess I wasn’t really aware how much this noise actually distracts me, because I’ve lived with it so long. But I’ve been practicing meditation this year, and wow, it’s eye opening how many times my brain wants to gallop off into a new direction just in a 10-15 minute window. Even being aware of the noise, my brain couldn’t shut it off – I started thinking about this blog post and what I would say about said noise when I was meditating – rather than meditating!
My brain is firing off about half a dozen steps ahead most of the time. This book, this plot point, what if this, one of the kids needs…. The Evil Day Job needs… etc. etc. etc. a thousand times a second. Sometimes I do literally hold an entire book in my head at once – or even multiple books. If I can just type fast enough, I might be able to capture them all.
Needless to say, I haven’t been productive in a long time, but FINALLY Samhain has closed and I’ve gotten my rights back so I can start making new plans. I still struggle with indecision with some of the details, but just making that step is a huge part of my brain being able to focus on a new plan and settle down.
And yes, I’m still practicing meditation and will continue working on finding those moments of blue sky and quiet perfect calm inside my own head!