I came to an important realization this week.
I wrote earlier that I was going to forgive myself for not making the second round of Power 90 happen with our summer schedule. I was all proud of myself that I wasn’t beating myself up about that “failure” and just moving on. Which is good and progress -in a way.
I also said I was going to do an old Billy Blanks Tae Bo workout with Princess. I finally did, yesterday. I know a lot of people love Billy Blanks, and I do personally connect with him while he’s instructing. But he confuses the HELL out of me. He doesn’t mirror, and I’m so mixed up between doing what he’s doing (which is backwards) and listening to what he says (argh, right not left) and getting my weight shifted to the other leg, etc. etc. that I’m totally lost and confused. Princess was worse off because at least I had Power 90’s modest tae bo to build on. We were only trying the foundation – beginning – too, so it wasn’t like a workout or anything. I didn’t even break a sweat.
Now pause there. I didn’t break a sweat. I said that like a bad thing, didn’t I?
I kept thinking and thinking and today when it got close to my lunch, I said to myself, “Self, you really need to try and do Power 90 again. You feel better. Remember?”
I do remember. I love how I feel when I’m working out consistently. I loooove muscles in my arms. I love seeing the shape of my abs in my tummy instead of just flubber. I’ve still got sooo much to lose, and while I haven’t been exercising, it’s the same old story. Up 2 pounds, down 2.4, up 3, down 1.6, etc. Today I was up 2. Not bad after a lazy weekend that led to pizza. The real deal – pepperoni, my favorite.
I got to thinking about other things too. How when I workout, I take better care of myself. It’s the small things. Like taking a shower. This might be TMI, but I don’t always take a shower every single day. Why bother? I work from home for the Evil Day Job. No one’s going to know if I washed my hair today or if I threw it in a pony tail. No one’s going to care if I’m in sweats or jeans or a suit for that matter.
But I know. I know how I feel when my hair is grungy and I’m wearing my “fat” pants. I sure don’t feel good about myself.
Not getting in a daily shower is the first sign I’m not taking care of myself. I don’t wear my cute (tight) clothes as much. Maybe I don’t wear my favorite Clarks, settling for tennis shoes instead. Not even my workout tennis shoes… I don’t lotion up my feet that tend to get dry and rough. Maybe one day I’m just so tired and stressed out that I don’t feel like cooking. The kids want pizza anyway…
And that lack of care continues to spread like a cancer in my life, making me feel more depressed and tired. The more depressed I am, the less care I take. The less care I take, the less likely it is that I’ll eat healthy and exercise, continuing the vicious circle. When someone needs to lose well over 100 pounds to get to a healthy weight, then it should be pretty obvious that I haven’t taken very good care of myself for years.
The countless arguments I might throw at myself don’t matter in the end. It doesn’t matter if we’re busy, if I have to do xyz for the EDJ before this date, or if Lady Blackmyre is beating me up, or Sig won’t cooperate, or I got a bad review, or I have a release out, or… The list will always be a mile long about why I don’t have time to exercise.
Do I really not have time to take care of myself?
No one else is going to do it for me. I have too many other people depending on me to take care of them. I can’t push my own care to the wayside, because someday, it will catch up to me.
I feel better when I exercise. I eat better. I sleep better. I’m more productive in general. I can solve half the (story)world’s problems in the shower, so why wouldn’t I make sure I get a shower each day? It seems pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it?
So I am going to try Power 90 again. Starting today. And if I miss a day here and there, that’s okay. I have to keep trying. I have to keep finding little ways to take care of myself. Getting in my exercise is the first step.
And who knows, maybe I’ll finally figure out Sig’s problems in the shower.