Year: 2017

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Noise Noise Noise

I sound like the Grinch – but Whoville is in my head and it’s been rather noisy lately.  Okay, for the past year.

For me, indecision and uncertainty can be crippling.  It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to let go and just deal with whatever may happen.  I’m consumed with “what ifs” that honestly don’t even matter, all spawned by whatever cliff might be approaching.

Like the whole Samhain thing – for over a year. Will they close? What if they close? What if they don’t give me my rights back? WHAT IF THEY DO?

Thousands and thousands of incessant thoughts swirling all the time in the background. Then add in Princess’s college decision, Middle’s knee rehab and whether she’ll be able to play next year, Evil Day job fun (cough), That Man generally being an ass, other submissions hanging over my head…

It’s hard to get any writing done when so much clamor is filling up my brain.

I guess I wasn’t really aware how much this noise actually distracts me, because I’ve lived with it so long. But I’ve been practicing meditation this year, and wow, it’s eye opening how many times my brain wants to gallop off into a new direction just in a 10-15 minute window. Even being aware of the noise, my brain couldn’t shut it off – I started thinking about this blog post and what I would say about said noise when I was meditating – rather than meditating!

My brain is firing off about half a dozen steps ahead most of the time.  This book, this plot point, what if this, one of the kids needs…. The Evil Day Job needs… etc. etc. etc. a thousand times a second.  Sometimes I do literally hold an entire book in my head at once – or even multiple books.  If I can just type fast enough, I might be able to capture them all.

Needless to say, I haven’t been productive in a long time, but FINALLY Samhain has closed and I’ve gotten my rights back so I can start making new plans.  I still struggle with indecision with some of the details, but just making that step is a huge part of my brain being able to focus on a new plan and settle down.

And yes, I’m still practicing meditation and will continue working on finding those moments of blue sky and quiet perfect calm inside my own head!

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Writing My Way Out

Yes, I’m still alive!

My surgery went well and That Man is finally healed up too. However…  Let’s just say my recovery — and how certain people did or didn’t help me in any way, shape, or form — was pretty illuminating.

My friends and coworkers at the Evil Day Job were great.  They sent us dinner one night from a local restaurant and some beautiful flowers.  My Dad came down and stayed with us several days to help shuttle kids to school and me back and forth to the hospital.  I felt so badly when I came to in recovery and hours had passed since they’d taken me back.  I’ve never had surgery before and the procedures I’ve sat in the family waiting room had all been minor.  1-2 hours at most.  It never dawned on me to ask how long Dad would be waiting for news and I knew he’d been worried sick.  They took me back at 10:30 AM and when I first looked at the clock I was stunned it was after 2 PM.  By the time they got me to a room and brought my Dad to me, it was almost 5 PM and yeah, he was pretty worried.  I guess he’d been harassing the ladies at the info desk off and on all afternoon to make sure I was okay.

So December was all about healing.  I watched a lot of Netflix, crocheted and knitted a ton, and read.  I did some writing – but mentally just haven’t been in a good place for a variety of reasons. I’m finally starting to break out of the funk and getting back into the swing of things at work and at my laptop.

One thing I’ve started doing in 2017 is morning meditation.  I get That Man and Littlest out the door, and then I have about 10-15 mins before Princess and Middle need to be up and before I have to start work.  So I sit down and listen to HeadSpace.  I don’t know that I feel remarkably different in any way – but I know that meditation can help reduce stress and improve overall wellbeing and performance.  I’ve been able to stick with it and have almost completed 30 days (I have a hard time finding time on the weekends when everyone’s home to do a session).

My friend Sherri is “meeting” me at night to help me stay committed to a writing schedule.  I told her it’s like standing in the kitchen and looking at your cupboards and fridge… but feeling completely overwhelmed with no idea HOW to actually COOK anything.  I know the biggest hurdle I need to overcome is inertia.  Once I get those writing joints oiled and moving, that the words will come more smoothly.

So I’m playing Hamilton’s Hurricane and using my timer to help me focus.  Just 20 mins.  Then again.

I have to write my way out.