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Friday Snippet: Lady Wyre’s Regret

Sorry for my absense the last few days.  I’ve been working on more edits for Vicki (YOURS TO TAKE) and this weekend I’ll be tackling line edits for Tecun (THE BLOODGATE WARRIOR) so it’s been a bit hectic around here!

This is the final section of the free read prequel (previous snippet), Lady Wyre’s Regret, that I currently have.  My goal is to intrigue people enough to go in search of Lady Doctor Wyre – not provide a complete short story…while still balancing a satisfying ending.  What do you think about this final section?  Is it satisfying without giving away too much?  Or do you feel robbed that no actual consummation happens…?

Sig healed so rapidly that it scared her.  Before Charlotte’s eyes, his skin seemed to knit together.  Within a matter of hours, the fever had raged in him so hotly she’d feared the chills would break his bones, but suddenly broke into a sweat and left him sleeping like a baby.

My assemblers not only repaired the damage to his heart, but compressed the normal healing time into hours, not weeks. 

After just forty eight hours, she was having a hard time keeping him in bed.  Which was why she’d left him tied up.

“I have to see if the bounty hunter tracked us down!”

He’d given up on a reasonable tone of voice, but his increased volume only made her arch a brow at him.  No one had ever been able to intimidate her by yelling.  “We’ve already scavenged everything useable from the wreckage and I went over it with a fine-toothed comb to make sure nothing was broadcasting any sort of electronic signal.  I’d use the Razari crystal to destroy the entire ship but I’m afraid that hot of a fire would draw unwanted attention.  If the bounty hunter was able to track our crash, he’ll still have to brave blizzards and snow drifts to get here, and I’m assured by Gage that no one is foolish enough to brave these woods until spring.”

“That information is only good if you trust Gage and I trust no one.”

Obviously not even me. 

The flat tone of his voice combined with the blank empty-eyed stare finally made her lose her temper.  She slammed the datapad down on the bedside table and poked him in the stomach hard enough he grunted.  “That man has done everything possible to help us.  You’d better not even think about killing him.”

“He’s a loose end.  If the Queen’s Ravens find him, he will talk, eventually.  I don’t care how much you like him.”

Mild irritation flamed into full-fledged fury, fed by anxiety and stress of the last few days.  Where his volume went up, she pitched her voice low and vicious.  “Do you honestly think I’m nothing but a fluff-brained chit out on her first Season?”

She poked him again for good measure.  “Gage has agreed to go on an expedition with some of his aboriginal friends far to the west as soon as the snows begin to thaw.  He’d already planned to join them—we just moved up his timetable.  He won’t be here for anyone to torture.  We won’t be here either, even if I have to keep you tied up and drag you by your hair!”

Now it was his turn to arch a brow at her with surprise.

Shame churned in her stomach.  Here she’d pinned him down, trapped him against his will after everything he’d done to help her, and then she abused him when he was hurt and unable to defend himself.

“I can’t help being suspicious of everyone,” he said slowly, eyes narrowing in on her reaction.  Because he was watching so carefully, she refrained from wincing or dropping her gaze.  “Besides, you could drag me around by much more willing body parts than my hair.  And if you don’t know that I trust you after you saved me during the crash and healed me, I don’t know what else I can say to convince you.  So what’s really bothering you?”

She put on a clinical air and picked up the datapad, even though the numbers on it made her heart go cold and heavy in her chest.  “You’re recovering rapidly.”

“So I see,” he said dryly.  “Considering I was knocking on death’s door, I hardly see why that’s a problem.”

She’d run scan after scan, trying to make sense of what was happening inside his body.  Staring down at the numbers, her eyes burned hot and dry.  I learned nothing from my mistake with Majel.  I shouldn’t have risked another human experiment.  It’s too risky.  Dear God, what have I done to him?

She dragged her gaze up to his face and made herself tell him every gory detail.  “I injected you with an invention I call my assemblers, which are extremely tiny nanobots that work inside the body.  I’m afraid they’re working a little too… well.”

He didn’t appear alarmed that microscopic robots were roaming around inside his body.  “I’m not complaining, Charlie.  I’m thankful to be alive, whatever you’ve done.”

She sighed heavily.  “I made the mistake of leaving them inside my first subject indefinitely.  They integrated themselves into her biological systems to the point where they couldn’t be safely extracted.  I thought to counteract that risk with you by recalling the assemblers as soon as they’d repaired your heart, but I can’t, Sig.  I’m sorry.  Your heart was too damaged to beat on its own without them.”

He gave a brief jerk on the rope binding his right hand to the bed, as though he reflexively reached to touch his chest.  “It’s still beating, though.  I feel it.”

“They’re reinforcing your heart, forcing it to pump, but…”  She hesitated, her mouth dried with decaying dust.  “They won’t stop there.  You’ve already received miraculous healing.  Your strength has returned, if not increased from even before the accident.”

“What else?”

His voice remained even and calm, as though they talked about a fine new carriage equipped with the latest racing technology, not his life.  “I don’t know!  I don’t know what else they’re capable of.  I’m going to need to extract a few and download as much data as possible so I can figure out the best way to proceed.”

“So they’ll still respond to your programming.”

She nodded, relieved that he wasn’t horrified at what she’d done, and yet also crippled with her own guilt.  “I don’t know how long they’ll run, Sig, let alone what they’ll do now that you’re out of danger.”

“Your other subject,” he said with emphasis, confirming he knew exactly who her first test subject had been, “is still living.  I’m not concerned, but if we have a problem, the famous and dashing Lord Regret has the most talented and brilliant Lady Doctor Wyre at his disposal.”

“I’m terribly sorry,” she said each word low but vehement.  “You asked me to let you to die, but I couldn’t.  Not after you’d risked so much to save me.”

“No regrets, Charlie” he whispered, twisting his body toward hers.

He curled his lower body around hers and her determined guilt was shaken by his very evident interest.  Oh dear.  He very well can’t be that incapacitated if he’s aroused, yet here I’ve kept him trapped for days in bed.

She reached up to untie his hands.

“Leave it,” he said in a husky voice that fired her blood.  “I like being bound for you.”

Sliding her palm over his bare chest, she watched the darkness spread in his eyes.  “This is all very new to me, but I admit, the idea has merit.”

He nudged harder against her back and let out a soft groan that tightened her body.  I wonder what sort of sounds I can draw from him if I stripped him nude and stroked every inch of him with my mouth.

As if he heard her thoughts, he groaned louder.  “Charlie.”

She leaned down and rubbed her mouth against his, letting her breath become a caress.  “Sig?”

“When we’re away from here and you’re safe, I hope very much that you’ll experiment on me some more.”

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Weight Watcher Update

I’m coming up on 60 days of consistent exercise using Power 90 on Feb. 29th.  I can’t *wait* to take my measurements and see where I am.  Okay, okay, I cheated a little and measured last week and I’ve seen another inch gone in several places (waist and bust!).  I haven’t seen any big losses on the scale lately, but I’ve been happily surprised and unfortunately frustrated in the shopping department.  (more below)

I’m down 66.2 pounds.  Thanks to Power 90, I’m wearing a size smaller than I did even at my low weight 12 years ago (even though I’m still 8 pounds away) and on the verge of going down again.  I held a plank for 30 secs the other day — after doing my full workout.  Two years ago, I didn’t even know what a plank was – I sure couldn’t do one!  This week, I’m adding more leg, hip, and butt exercises to my Power 90 Strength days to hopefully increase toning on my bottom half which has been the slowest to respond to weight loss.  I’m still reaaaaallly bottom heavy.  :oops:

I’ve begun the RT shopping!  I need several dresses for the evening events and plenty of cute things to wear during the day to the panels and workshops.  An excellent excuse to shop!  However, I’m right on the cusp of moving out of “Women’s” sizes down into regular sizes.  Woot!  Grrrr!

I mean, that’s great and all, but finding things that FIT is a problem.  (And of course I can’t shop too much too early – because I’m still losing.  I would be so annoyed if I spent a fortune on new stuff and it doesn’t fit by April.  Not kidding – my Dec. gift card items are already getting too big in places, especially around the waist.)

I tried on several things at Fashion Bug over the weekend and was thrilled to get into a 1X dress easily.  However, the style and color didn’t really suit me (according to my fashion critic, Littlest Monster).  The skirt I tried on was ridiculously big in the waist.  Nothing else attracted my eye on the plus side of the store, and I don’t think I’m quite ready for the other regular side.  Not yet.

I ordered a dress online in a size I haven’t seen in… Gah.  I can’t remember when.  It’s still a W but down another size from where I am now.  I have no idea if it’ll fit but at least it’s a start.  I have a feeling I’ll be ordering several dresses from Kiyonna (I adore this dress but I don’t know that I’m brave enough to wear something so form fitting), but I was hoping to save a little $$ and find some other alternatives…but I may not have a choice.  I love their styles and they have the sizes I think I need while still looking fabulous.

At this point, I don’t even own a pair of pumps.  Nope, not kidding.  One of the joys of working from home for over ten years – I rarely go anywhere that requires something nicer than tennis shoes.  (We even wear jeans to church.)  I’ve had feet problems for the past few months, too, so I’m going to have to invest in some really nice shoes that support and protect my feet while still looking cute.

I only own two dresses today:  one from over a decade ago that is really outdated and not something I’d wear to RT; the other I wore to a funeral and is 2 sizes too big.  I was holding on to them for emergencies until I get a new dress.

As you can see, my wardrobe is in dire straits.

So lots of shopping in my future!

*crossing fingers for next week’s WI – I’m .2 from hitting a new decade on the scale!*

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Good News Monday – Plotting Edition

Happy Monday!  Okay, I’m totally trying to fool myself here.  That Man and I are both working today but the monsters are out of school, which complicates things significantly.  Add to that the fact that Littlest Monster set her alarm (note:  she does NOT do this for school days….) and got up at 6:00 AM….  Grrrr!  That’s earlier than they get up for school!  Needless to say, it’s going to be a long day.

Since I completed Revision Xibalba last week (cheers, definitely GOOD NEWS!), I’ve been trying to get back into 3Aliens.  First up was a read through of everything I have so far (about 15K I think) to see where I went wrong.  Because when the story isn’t quite sparking, there’s usually something wrong.  This premise is too cool not to be working.

Bad news:  the very first opening scene falls short.  So naturally everything that comes after suffers a little from that lack.

Fixing it hasn’t proven as easy as I hoped though.  My original premise – the idea that sparked the entire story – was a line:  “Three aliens walked into a bar, and all hell broke loose.”  So of course the first scene was at a bar.

However, I couldn’t get that bar scene to work the way I wanted, not as the FIRST scene.  I kept falling into cliche territory in trying to set up the characters and story.  I couldn’t get the tone right and I was having a hard time establishing the story goal (although the immediate goal was there) and theme.  Thinking of Blake Snyder’s beats, I couldn’t find a way to mirror the opening scene from a bar into the ending, which I already have in my mind.

Which leads to the crux of the problem:  I was writing from the original spark… the premise…not a plot.  Which is a totally fine way to write and has worked for me before, but in this case, with breaks to work on other projects…  it just wasn’t working for me.  I kept losing the vision.

I have to SEE the story to write it.  It rises in my mind like a 3-D map, full of rises and falls, dark moments, and final victory.  I don’t always have to see the entire story at once.  Sometimes I can fumble around in the dark until I find the next illuminated path, but when I’m short on time (and sleep!) and busy with multiple projects, I just can’t dedicate that much mental harddrive to holding a story in my mind.  There are huge gaps where I’ve overwritten the story with other things.  Gee, don’t even get me started on the memory leaks…

So although I’m tight on time and I might not be able to meet the deadline as a result, I decided to STOP.  Right here.  And plot this story the way it deserves.

Since I’m using Scrivener now and trying to get a working process down in new software, naturally that means I need a plotting template that works for me in this new tool.  I really wish I could use Larissa Ione’s romance template, but she says it won’t work in the Windows version of Scrivener.  *pouts*

So that’s my plan for the next day or two.  Get my plotting template all set up.  Complete the plot for 3Aliens (working title).  And figure out what needs to happen to take what I’ve already written and make it work.

Cue Tim Gunn’s voice.  “Make it work, people!”

What’s your good news for this week?

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Revision Xibalba: Theading the Plot

First the good news:  I finished the revisions to The Bloodgate Warrior and shipped them off to Alissa this morning.  Even BETTER news – she likes what she’s read so far!  Woot!  That’s always such a relief.  Did I interpret her revision letter correctly, thoroughly, and then most importantly, did I carry those revisions through the ms in a logical way?

Which brings me to today’s revision topic.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about the last few days and decided I should blog about it in case it might help anyone else working through a rough patch of revisions.

As I told Raelyn earlier this week, I was so deep into the forest that it was hard to see the trees.  All the threads (changes) I was juggling began to get muddled and tangled, and I was starting to lose my grip on what to pull forward when.

What am I talking about?  It’s that chaos theory I’ve joked about before:  A butterfly flaps its wings on page one and you suddenly find yourself revising every single chapter until it’s an entirely different book.

This is why revisions are hard.

I’m not talking about minor line-edit type revisions, but something more challenging.  For instance, Alissa wrote that she’d like to see more of a contrast between Cassie’s driven focus for her job and what happens when Tecun climbs into her bed.  *winks*  I already had some bits of character traits that I really liked for her — her static trait involves her nightly ritual before getting into bed, for instance — but I didn’t go far enough.  (In fact, I realized as I got into the revisions for this element, that I’d gotten a few things terribly wrong that didn’t jive with her character at all.)

Now you might think this was an easy change.  I’ll just throw in a new trait – like maybe she’s OCD about her schedule and has every minute of this “vacation” mapped out down to the minute.  Easy peasy right?

Wrong.  Because if you’re going to ADD something to a finished manuscript, it has to have impact.  If the butterfly flaps its wings, there’s wind, no matter how faint, that must spread and ripple throughout the story.  Otherwise why even bother with the change in the first place?

So if I’m going to add a character trait, I have to SHOW it again and again.  It has to affect the plot in some way, no matter how small, or it’s just noise.  Like a random hair color or scar that I mention without ever explaining where the scar came from or how it changed the character’s life.  Why even bother if it’s not important and crucial to the story?  I couldn’t just mention this trait once and let it drop – that would be doing a lazy injustice to my character.

Everything has to matter.  It has to have impact.  WHY is she doing this?  HOW can I show it?  WHEN does this affect the plot?

And that, my friends, is where the real bite of Revision Xibalba comes into play.  Once you start affecting plot, um… news alert… your plot changes.  Scenes change.  Actions mean something else entirely.  If you change one turning point, then all the others are affected too.

See that trickle down effect?  More than shit begins to roll down hill at this point.  And oh, all those pesky trees.  I had several items I was changing at the same time, not just this one character trait, each one like a colored thread that had to be pulled all the way through to the end in a logical manner.

For example, Alissa mentioned in passing that she liked the idea of the family journal that Cassie brought with her to Guatemala and wondered if there was any way to make that more important.  Well sure.  I could — and did — write several thousand words of journal entries, which became a cool way for me to resolve several items in the revision letter at once.

But which events should the entries cover (I ended up spanning over 500 years!!)?  It couldn’t just be backstory or it’d slow the plot too much.  It couldn’t be all emo whining or moaning about the past.  They had to have real, measurable impact.  Things had to change because of these entries.

What clues could I drop in the journal that would make the reader go OOOOOOOHHHHHH when I finally laid out the live-action scene before them?

Notice that if I’m changing the plot or character…that’s more than just copying and pasting a new journal entry into place.  That means I’m changing significant elements of the plot itself.  Alllllll the way through the ms.

So then it becomes a balancing act requiring a delicate touch and a sharp eye.  If I’m going to drop in this little tidbit here, and make it really really matter, then I have to do it again over here.  I can’t drop a bunch of bright red paint in chapter two and never ever paint with red again.  I also have to remember the green and blue I’m adding and balance that with what’s already there and the new red.  It has to be consistent from start to finish.  All of these new colors are important now so I have to drop some over here, and again here, and then yeah, it’d better become crucial and important before the ending again, or…

Again, why bother?

Threading the plot — carrying these changes through in meaningful and consistent ways — building momentum page after page, THIS is the difference between making your editor happy when she opens up your revised document and making her groan and pull out her red pen again.  I truly believe this is where you can really learn to shine as a hardworking professional.

No, I don’t mean you have to blindly accept every change proposed by your editor.  But when you dig in and begin to make those changes, carry them through.  Don’t just plop a few things in and send it back.  Really think and dig.  Yes, it’s more work.  Yes, it’s painfully hard to come up with new ideas once the story’s already done.  Trust me, I know.  I added over 5K to this story (net – I added way more new words but deleted other passages that didn’t work any longer), and wrote another couple of thousand words of journal entries that I didn’t end up using at all.

But you know what?  I loved Tecun and Cassie before I sent The Bloodgate Warrior to Alissa (or I wouldn’t have submitted it, obviously).  But now?

Well.  I always say this but I think with her help, it’s become the next best thing I’ve written.

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Good News Monday – Revision Xibalba Edition

I’m still hard at work on the revisions Alissa requested to The Bloodgate Warrior but I need a break and so I thought I’d get a post up so you didn’t think I’d dropped off the face of the planet!  I took Friday and today off from the Evil Day Job so I’d have plenty of time to wrap things up before the due date (2/15) and guess what?

The monsters got their first snow day today.  *headdesk*

For the first time in my life, I’m grateful for the Twilight movies.  That’s what they’re watching now to keep themselves occupied.  They’re watching them all from the beginning through Breaking Dawn part 1 that I just bought for them this weekend.

Saturday I feared Middle Monster had done serious damage to my knee.  We were playing around and she kicked me square on the knee, forcing it backwards toward hyperextension.  Oh and I also had my rocking Sketchers on, which probably let my leg bend even more unnaturally.  Something did pop and I hobbled over to the couch, terrified I’d torn something.  I’ve never had a serious injury before and I wasn’t sure if this was bad or just a close call.  It didn’t hurt exactly (just ached), which I’ve been told can be a bad thing.

I applied ice and Motrin right away, and the next morning I didn’t have any swelling at all.  The tendons down the side of my calf are a little sore, but my legs have been sore ever since I started Power 90, so I don’t know if that was general muscle soreness or injury soreness.  I took the day off from exercise yesterday to be sure but I plan to do Power 90 Sweat later today and see how the knee holds up.  (Aside:  of course this is my right leg, so now I have a bad foot AND a bad knee on that side.)

The best news:  I’m not sick (despite Littlest missing two days of school last week) and I haven’t given myself any canker sores in my mouth yet.  Usually that’s the first thing that happens when I’m stressed out.  Last week, I knew I’d need help to get through this week and so I reordered Borax pellets and started taking them immediately.  No fever blisters in my mouth, yay!  I’m also alternating the coffee with green tea and lots of water, so I’m getting plenty of fluids.  No Diet Coke or Dr. Pepper — I don’t want any chemicals in my system.  I also haven’t given in to stress eating or used late-night eating to stay awake so I can work.  Of course that means I’ve had to go to bed and get more rest than usual, but hopefully the hours I spent on revisions are higher quality that way.

The end is in sight.  I have two more major events that need revision, and then one or two smaller things to tweak.  Then I’ll apply all the changes in a safe copy and re-read to see how badly I’ve messed things up and what I’ve dropped or forgotten along the way.

Happy Monday!

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Eating to Lose

Or why being anal about counting points or calories is not necessarily a good thing.

In my Power 90 update I admitted I was getting pretty frustrated with the scale.  After all this exercise, why was I gaining?!?  I was eating within my points.  I’d cut out this and that.  I’d buckled down really hard.  I was controlling everything in my mouth.

What’s that beginning to sound like?  A diet.  A diet that becomes impossible to stay on because it’s not liveable, because it’s becoming deprivation.

In a way, I was punishing my body for failing to lose when I expected it to.  My first instinct was to cut back even more.  I should eat less cheese.  I should cut out even more whole grains.  I even tried cutting out my half and half to replace with almond milk in my coffee.  (Gag, it made for a nasty chunky sludge.  I love almond milk but NOT in coffee, not even at 40 cals a cup.)

But a friend from Romance Biggest Winner said hey, maybe you’re not eating enough.  I’d already thought that in passing once or twice – especially in regards to protein – but her words made me really stop to think.  The WW point calculation is based on a complex algorithm (that only they know) but a good rough estimate is 40 cals per point.  So by staying religiously under my 33 point – 1320 cal – limit, and exercising 30-60 mins a day, 6 days a week….

Yeah.  I wasn’t eating enough.

Now I could have kept buckled down that low and eventually I probably would have started losing again, but I decided to shake things up.  I’ve been earning those extra exercise points for a reason.  Why not try eating them?  Not in junk food, obviously, but 3-5 extra points a day might just be the ticket to wake up my metabolism and get me losing again.

I even let myself have a few things that I’d cut out – deprivation – because I had the points now.  Like I enjoyed one of Princess’s homemade oatmeal cookies.  Just one.  One night I also carefully measured out 1 oz of Fritos for taco salad.  Oh, my, it was so good.  So wicked and indulgent.  I was afraid, sure.  That opened bag of chips in the pantry was dangerous.  But I kept to my one serving and put the bag out of sight out of mind back in the pantry.

And I lost.  Not just a .2 or .4 loss, but immediately a pound.  The next day, another .6.  The next, .8.  It was crazy.  I was losing my weekly averages (on a good week!) each day, just by eating a little extra.  Enjoying a few things I didn’t think I could have.

Living a normal life.  And isn’t that what this is all about?  I don’t want to have to eat a plain salad the rest of my life when the family is eating taco salad.  I don’t want to miss out on my daughter’s baking experiences (Granny, watch out, I’m teaching her all your old favorites!).  And I don’t have to.

In one week, I lost 2.6 pounds, something I haven’t seen from the beginning of this journey over a year ago.

Obviously, I don’t expect to lose that much each week.  I don’t expect to be able to eat 5 extra points every single day and still lose.  I’ll still have ups and downs.  I should still eat around my daily point limit a few days.  And then “splurge” a few days to go over.  In this case, change is definitely a good thing and keeps my body guessing.

The lesson I took away from this for myself:  sometimes cutting back is NOT the best way to see results.  Sometimes you just need to let loose a little!

65 pounds gone forever.  When I lose 8 more, I’ll be at my lowest weight in 12 years since Princess was born.  After that, VFT (virgin fat territory)!

[This entry typed while wearing that pair of jeans that was too small at Christmas.]

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Good News Monday

I’m on a deadline to get the editor revisions made to The Bloodgate Warrior so I might be a little scarce until 2/15.  I’ll try to post at least every couple of days though.  If anyone would like a guest spot to help me keep the blog active, feel free to send me a post and I’ll get it up!

Some good news this week:

  • I have a PLAN for the revisions.  (Sometimes coming up with the plan or the angle is half the battle.)
  • I’ve been playing with my WW points, eating a little more, and strangely enough, I’m losing better.  More later after my official weigh in.
  • Still on track for completing the next 30 days of Power 90.
  • Moved up to 10 lbs on some of the strength exercises.
  • I’ve seen a preview of the new Survive My Fire cover and it’s totally AWESOME!  I can’t wait to share it with you!
  • We have a design plan for the other two covers for The Fire Within and Given In Fire.  Yes, I realize I haven’t written Given yet – but having the cover in hand will certainly give me some incentive to finish it this year.  It’s been on my wish list for years.

What’s your good news?

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Friday Snippet: Lady Wyre’s Regret

Continuing the free read prequel to Lady Doctor Wyre:

Sig was awake enough to know that he shouldn’t be alive, but he couldn’t seem to make his body work.  His eyes refused to cooperate and his head weighed like a ton of bricks.  He fought harder, swimming laboriously through layers of gray fog.

“Shhh.”  A gentle hand touched his face, but that only made him struggle harder.

Charlie.  I have to get her to safety.

It took all his strength, but he finally worked his eyes open.  She hovered over him, her dark hair smooth and tidy.  How could she look so elegant after crashing on a barely-populated colony?  He tried to sit up, or at least lift his head, but nothing responded.  He couldn’t feel his fingers or toes, couldn’t sense whether he was cold or hot, dressed or nude, on a bed of feathers…or nails.

She leaned down and pressed her mouth to his ear.  He felt that much at least.  “We’re safe, for now.  A colonist named Gage has taken us in.  As best as I can tell, he’s living in the wilderness between Bostonia and York.”

“Henry.”

She sat back up and raised her voice slightly.  “Yes, your name is Henry, and my name is Charlotte Wilder.  Do you remember now?”

A man loomed into Sig’s vision, a large, broad shadow that dwarfed her.  Danger sent shards of ice through his body.  No, that was his heart pounding harder.  His heart.  Hadn’t it been cut all to hell?  What did she do to me?

“Well, I’ll be, he’s awake,” Gage said with a huge smile.  “I didn’t think he was going to make it.”

“He’s not out of the woods yet.”  Charlie pulled at something on his chest.  From the sting and tug, it must be a bio-bandage.  He welcomed any sensation, even pulled chest hairs.  “But he’s doing much better.  How do you feel, Henry?”

“Danger.”  His lips fumbled the word, but he was sure she understood.

Humming as though they hadn’t crashed, he wasn’t on death’s door, and a huge wild man didn’t loom behind her with God only knew what kind of weapon, she prodded his chest with gentle but sure fingers.  “Yes, you’re still in danger, but the wound is healing nicely.”

He gritted his teeth, silently screaming at the stranger to go away so he could talk to her.  There’s so much we need to do.  If the bounty hunter tracks us down, while I’m sick and weak…

“Everything’s taken care of.”  She leaned down, her gaze heavy with significance as though she knew he was desperate to gain information.  “All you need to do is heal.  Right, Gage?”

“Aye, Miss Wilder.  I wiped away our tracks and fetched the other things you asked for.  Not much I could do about the debris other than toss some branches on the hull to disguise it.  The winter snows have even York piled up to their ears.  No one’s going to be coming out here any time soon to look for you.”

He knows too much.  Sig tried to convey the urgency with only his eyes.  Don’t trust him.  Don’t trust anyone.

Maybe all this concentrating was doing his frozen limbs some good, because he managed to shift his head enough to look down at himself.  Pale pink skin covered his chest, not a gruesome gaping wound.  Dread tightened like a fist in the pit of his stomach.  How long have I been unconscious to heal like this?

Terror pounded in his skull and he struggled harder, thrashing his entire body.  We have to get away from here!

Charlie pressed against him, using her slender body to try and still his struggles.  His strength ran out quickly, leaving him shaking and so sick with worry he wanted to weep.  I’ve failed her.  Snows or no, the Queen’s Ravens won’t be far behind.

“Trust me, Henry.”  She kissed his cheek and rubbed her palms on his shoulder in a soothing circular motion.  Bare skin.  He felt that much.  “I’ve got everything in hand.”

“I can’t move,” he whispered, his voice more broken than he cared to admit.  “I don’t even feel my arms.”

“I’m so sorry, but I had to tie you down.  You thrashed too much with fever and I was afraid you were going to harm yourself even worse.  Let me loosen the ties and see if you feel better.”

Tied.  Thank God his eyes were closed, so she wouldn’t see the horrible darkness that knowledge must be spreading in his eyes.  He hadn’t been tied up in a very long time.

Dark memories threatened from his childhood.  Memories he’d killed a long time ago.  He’d always thought those feelings of helplessness would stir him into a murderous rage, but all he felt…

Whatever bound his wrists loosened.  His fingers tingled, cramped muscles stretched, and a surge of enormous relief washed over him.  Peace.  That’s what this feeling was.  After all the suffering he’d survived as a child and the countless executions he’d committed in effort to blot out those memories, he’d never felt this completely at peace.

He flexed his fingers and turned his head to see his arm stretched out on a pillow.  A strip of white cotton still tied his left wrist to the simple wooden headboard.  His other arm sagged, too, still bound but looser and more comfortable.

Sensation coursed through his body, tingling like fire ants nibbling his extremities.  Charlie finished loosening the tie and turned back, leaning down over his chest.  “Better?”

He closed his eyes and nodded.  So much better.  Impossibly better.  He’d hated the last woman who made him helpless.  Every time he accepted a contract on a female mark, it was her face he saw when he terminated the target.  He often made wry jokes about all his regrets, but in truth, his only true regret was that he hadn’t killed her himself.

So why don’t I hate Charlie?

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Never Going Back

I’ve dieted a hundred times before.  A thousand.  I’ve probably lost hundreds of pounds over the years, only to gain it back and then some.  I was doing Weight Watchers before high school.  My freshman year, we ordered the wrong size in my cheerleading skirt and the absolute only way I squeezed into it all season was my mom giving me THE LOOK every time I even thought about eating something not strictly on my plan.

I still have that skirt.  And it fits Middle Monster, who’s only in the 4th grade!  When I think about struggling with that damned skirt every day, I’m still amazed that I was ever that small.  I was not exactly fat in school – nor was I especially thin.  I struggled constantly to keep my weight down, even though I was active and healthy.

I’ve kept a few things over the years that I “outgrew,” like that ancient cheerleading skirt.  No, I have absolutely no expectations of ever fitting into it again.  But I held on to some of those things, I guess trying to remind myself of how thin I’d once been.  This continued into my marriage, having kids, etc. where the pounds slowly packed on.  I moved a dress from Texas to Minnesota to Missouri that I never once wore because it was too small – in the barest slimmest hope that *someday* it would fit.

I finally donated it a few years ago because it was so sadly outdated.  It never did fit.

But what I realized this time around is that I’ve never donated my “fat” clothes.  Why do I let the ugly memories hang around and remind me of how large and unhealthy I’ve been?  So instead, I choose to CELEBRATE every single time I move down to a new size.  As soon as I’m comfortably into a new size, I clean out my closet and donate it all.

Every single pair of pants in my largest size are long gone.  Then the cheaper ones I bought second hand months ago.  Gone.  The things I’ve been holding on to for ten years and more when I worked in the office each day.  They fit now, but they’re so outdated after all these years that most of them are gone.

GONE.  It’s such a wonderful feeling.  It’s truly liberating.  I don’t have to waste precious storage space on crap that makes me feel bad.  That reminds me of depression, hurt, regret, and guilt.  GONE.

I will never go back.  I refuse to buy a single thing in a larger size.  If I stall out, fine, I’ve got clothes that fit now.  If I start to gain, I have absolutely nothing to wear.  There is no safety net.  No cushion.  I’ll HAVE to start losing again.

For the first time in my life, I’m deliberately buying things when I find a good deal, even if I know they’re too small.  Because one day, they WILL fit.  For a while.  And then I’ll donate them too and pull out the even smaller things I’ve been dreaming about.

Remember those two pair of jeans I’ve been holding on to?  They’re in the same size as my others, but the style/brand is just enough different that they didn’t fit.  I’ve been trying them on once a month or so, then more often this past month as I’ve been working out.  I’m proud to say that this week, I got both pairs on, pulled up, buttoned AND zipped!!!  Ha!!

But then I couldn’t actually MOVE let alone sit down.  ;-)  Soon, though, those jeans are going to be comfortable, and these baggy ones I have on right now will be in the donate pile.

I can’t wait.  Then I’ll go shopping again and find a new goal.  Summer is just around the corner and I have absolutely NOTHING to wear.  No short sleeved shirts, tanks, shorts, nothing.  I haven’t worn shorts in at least ten years, probably more like 15.  Who knows, maybe this time around…

I might even buy a swim suit.

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February Goals

But first, a quick recap of January.

My goal in January was to set a Dark & Early writing schedule before the Evil Day Job starts at 6:30 AM.  Since I have a hard time getting to bed before 10 PM, the earliest I felt comfortable (and able!) to get up is 5 AM.  By the time I get dressed, grab coffee (set up the night before), etc. I have about 35 mins before I have to get Princess up for school.  She’s been conning me into getting her breakfast and making her sandwich for lunch, so I haven’t been getting any more writing done before I start work.  (But she gets up a little easier that way, and it’s worth the cost in my time to help her out if that puts her in a better mood!  Age 13 oh the drama!)

I made it every work day in January except the one day I took a vacation day.  Woot!  I averaged 556 words a morning, not counting some plotting and general notes I wrote up the last week or so, for a total just shy of 14K.  Not the best month by far, but steady.  I’m behind of where I need to be if I’m going to submit this story by the deadline, and looking at what I have to get done in Feb, I may have to keep this story and submit it at another date.  We’ll see.

Because dun dun DUN….  Edits for The Bloodgate Warrior have popped into my inbox and they need to be turned back in by Feb. 15th.  Edits on a contracted work ALWAYS take priority over uncontracted drafts.  Always.  These are not minor little tweaks, either.  BGW fans will probably be thrilled to know I’m adding some fairly significant new material.  If I get away adding less than 10K to the story through revisions, I’ll be lucky.  (Yes, I know that’s almost my entire Jan total and I only have two weeks.  Please don’t remind me.)

So my goals for Feb are short and sweet.

  1. The Bloodgate Warrior edits, due by 2/15.
  2. Pick up “3Aliens” again afterward and see where I am.  Even if I don’t feel like there’s any way I’m going to hit the deadline (my word count is probably way off too so there’s several things to consider), I’d still like to finish this one.  It fits my brand nicely and I’m having a really fun time writing it.  It’s the first erotic SFR I’ve done that’s entirely in the hero’s POV.
  3. When I need a little break, continue scouting for stockphotos so I can get Survive My Fire and The Fire Within re-released.  I’ve created a Keldari storyboard of the ideas I’ve found so far, but if you have any recs, I’d love to see them!
  4. Continue posting Lady Wyre’s Regret each Friday and decide if I’m satisfied with the ending.

What are your goals this month?