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Refusing the Jump

Keeping up with my horse metaphor I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve been struggling with something that very rarely bothers me. 

The urge to quit.

Not writing in general, but a specific story, namely my nice tight contemporary romance I want to write.  Oh, don’t get me wrong–the doubt monster always shows up at some point, typically in the dark moment of the story.  Yet I’ve barely even gotten this story off the ground and the rats are abandoning ship left and right.

I have pages and pages of notes, so I decided to at least get a partial written.  Then I can set it aside, think about the plot, and see how it’ll all stick together (or whether it’ll all stink to high heaven).  So many times I get an idea, jot notes frantically, and then the story goes cold.  Notes that meant something to me a month ago, suddenly make me suspect the monsters stole my journal and wrote in it instead of me. 

I decided to avoid that confusion by writing the synopsis first.  *laughs snorts falls over*  Yeah, you know how much we all love writing synopses.  Seriously, though, I almost always come up with a way to tighten the plot when I make myself concentrate on summarizing the key turning points of the story.  Plus, I’ll have all the internal/external conflicts documented and figured out, so that can only save me time, right?

Right.

So imagine a great big seven-foot Wall of white fencing, foot-thick bricks, and a treacherous ditch on the other side.  I keep trying to send my horse totem over that monstrous fence, and she shies away every single time.  She’s refusing the jump. 

Last night, I had at least three separate moments where I thought seriously about shelving this project.  FOREVER.  Like this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever written in my entire life, what was I thinking moments.  I don’t know if this idea in particular really does stink — or if this is just a by-product of my natural reluctance to build boundaries and limitations. 

I highly suspect the latter, so I continue to grind away on this synopsis.  It’s too long.  The characters are starting to feel flat and downright cheesy to me.  I did limit myself very much in possible markets by setting the story up this way, but I wanted to really make this a difficult challenge.  Oh, boy, I think I really outdid myself on enforcing all sorts rules on this one! 

I’m going to finish the @#&%*@ synopsis, and only then will I allow myself to set this project aside.  The exercise is important, even if I don’t intend to ever write this story all the way to the end.

I’m not going to let this horse refuse the jump.

Sometimes you don’t ride to win the race or take home a trophy.  Sometimes just clearing the jump that scares the beejesus out the horse–but she jumps for you anyway–is the greatest victory of all.

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Scattered

Since finishing the three big revisions in January, I’ve been scattered between multiple ideas this month.  I have tons of ideas, but nothing is concrete and firm enough for me to say YES, this is what I’m doing.  Just had another idea quiver for attention yesterday in church, based on the pastor’s sermon.  I don’t know if it’s a Christian thriller, or UF with angel/demon undertones, but it doesn’t matter anyway.  You know my track record trying to write “UF” or “thrillers.”  Sigh.  It has a really cool title, though.

And that’s my problem:  lack of focus.  Even my little tight romance I wanted to write isn’t quite right. I’m trying to write the synopsis to ensure I have a tight, cohesive story with enough conflict to carry it the length I was planning, and I got stuck.  Not a good sign.

So I’m reading.  Just finished Heart’s Blood by Gail Dayton this weekend.  Loved it even more than New Blood, although I really wanted to kick Grey in the head a few times.  Sorcery – blood magic – is totally up  my alley, you know, and I loved the Victorian/Steampunk feel of Gail’s world.

I’m also writing in my journal by hand, jotting ideas, filling notecards (had to open a second pack) with ideas, but I’m still flitting around like a butterfly.  Patience is hard for me.  I want to GO GO GO.  But I have to trust that when THE idea is in the right place at the right time, that it’ll take off.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep reading the partials I have and see if I can make any forward progress.

It may not look like it, but I am working very hard, I swear.  If I ever clean my desk, I’ll take a picture of my stack of notebooks, notecards, pencils, etc.

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Rest and Reward

So far, I’ve read Passion Unleashed and finished Skin Game (I’ve been reading it slowly on my iPhone), and I started Heart’s Blood.  I’ve been writing in my journal by hand.  Oh, I did sort of read through my Greek story (only have 1 chapter), and started reading through the SFR one, but hadn’t really gotten into either. 

Mostly, I’ve been enjoying the silence.

You know, that constant clamor in my head, story A warring with story B for attention, while Gregar is yammering away non-stop. 

It was mostly quiet, and I really was trying to simply turn off the stories for awhile.  I’ve been in the mood to listen to Phantom of the Opera, so that soundtrack has been playing since late last week.  And while listening to those powerful words in the semi-silence in my head, a puzzle piece fell into place for a story that I wasn’t even going to try and write.  (Because I couldn’t figure out the heart of the story, and if I don’t have the heart, why even try to write it?)

Sigh.  So much for vacation, right?  Because somehow, I’ve come out of two days with a new story to work on…

Ironically, its working title is HEARTFIRES.

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State of the Writing

January was a busy month of revisions.  I completed not one, not two, but three major revision passes on three different manuscripts.  All are now submitted and the waiting games begin.

Turning in Return to Shanhasson was a major milestone.  The first project I ever completed was Rose…and now that story is complete.  It’s an incredible feeling.  Of course, I’m not done with the Blood & Shadows world.  I have another Keldari novella I want to write, and I have notes and ideas jotted for both of Shannari’s daughters (although it’s been years since I touched them, so likely won’t be able to use much at all).

It’s time for a NEW story to take over.  Thanks to some of my decisions in January, I have two stories I want to write in the next few months.  One is a short and tight romance; the other is a longer, detailed kickoff to a world as big as the Blood & Shadows world.  Since it’s so large, I think I’ll try to get the short work done first, while I make notes and get organized in the SFR world.

That will be my main direction for first quarter of 2010.  Of course, I’m hoping to have new contracted works to announce, and that means revisions and promo and more giveaways.  We’ll just see how all that unfolds.  Right now, I have no scheduled release dates to announce, other than Dear Sir, I’m Yours coming in print April 1st.

Speaking of which, I’m in the building stage for Vicki’s story, Victor and Conn’s sister.  I’m hoping to write that book this year, if I can get her heroes to show up.

But first, I’m rewarding all my hard work since NaNo last year, and I’m going to wallow in reading.  First up, Larissa Ione’s  Passion Unleased and Ecstacy Unveiled, Gail Dayton’s Heart’s Blood, and hopefully Stephanie Tyler’s Hard to Hold.  I have so many other books on my TBR tower that I’m afraid to look, but for sure these are a few I’m hoping to read this month.

Don’t forget to vote for The Road to Shanhasson as the best book of 2009 here!

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Victor is Almost Ready…

One of the joys of having a dog that we can’t trust to last more than 8 hours without a mess is getting up before 8 AM on a Saturday with 6+ inches of snow on the ground so she can go potty.  The house was quiet another hour before the sleepy-head monsters got up (they were out of school yesterday and stayed up later than usual), so I worked frantically on Victor’s synopsis.

I already had several ideas jotted on notecards, but I hadn’t been able to piece them together in a coherent way yet.  Thankfully, the pieces fell together this morning and I’ve got both a blurb and synopsis (I typically do both at the same time) drafted that I really like.  I’ll let it sit another day or so — I can’t help but tweak here and tweak there, add a word, change this phrase. 

Sherrialready provided incredible feedback and gave me one little thread to mull over.  Writing the synopsis also helped me realize I needed to add a couple of paragraphs to the scene with Mama Connagher.  Otherwise, I think I’m *this close* to kicking Victor out the door. 

If you’re curious, this is the blurb I worked up this morning.  Does it make you want to buy it and read more?

Reluctant Dom Victor Connnagher has been hiding the truth for years: he’s the meanest sadist in Dallas. As the CEO of a risque cable channel, he supports the BDSM community but doesn’t trust himself to participate. Not after he hurt his submissive fiancee [changed per Nicole’s suggestion] so badly that she dumped him.

Saucy and confident despite being submissive, Shiloh Holmes needs pain and a man who’s not afraid to give it. She suspects her boss is a Master with a capital M, so she creates a BDSM reality show for his channel in order to gain his attention.

On America’s Next Top sub, Shiloh will prove once and for all that she can please Master V. In any way he wishes.

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Friday Snippet: Hurt Me So Good

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me about beta-reading.   This post was actually scheduled last night, so I’ll post the Giveaway winner shortly.

Victor’s been on my mind all week, so I thought I’d post one last bit before I move on to the next story.  I’ve been talking about him and his riding crop until you’re probably sick of it, but you haven’t really seen him in action.

Until today.

In this scene, they’re filming the trailer for their BDSM reality show that Shiloh created specifically for him so she could get close to him.  They’re playing here for the show, but it’s also the first time they get to play a scene together, if you know what I mean.  The language is fairly clean but he does use the crop on her, so please don’t read further if that kind of scene will offend you.  

Of course, since this is the first real scene with the crop, the rest grow in intensity.  *winks*

 

On their brand-new set for America’s Next Top sub, Shiloh had never felt sexier.  The outfit wasn’t exactly historically accurate, but from the darkness burning in Victor’s eyes, she’d accomplished her purpose.  She wore a short muslin shift barely more than a tank top with a white corset over the top, lifting her breasts and pushing out her booty.  To make the scene as sexy as possible, she wore white lacy high-cut panties that disappeared beneath the corset.  Without any skirt or petticoat, her ass was barely covered enough for TV.

      Delicate pink stockings encased her legs to mid-thigh, tied with white ribbons, and she wore heels elaborately covered in sparkling crystals.  Sweeping white feathers formed her mask, swan wings to frame her face and conceal most of her hair.  She didn’t think her own mother would recognize her.

      Victor wore tall gleaming riding boots and black jodhpurs that concealed the protective brace on his knee.  His shirt was plain white linen, loose and open at the neck with billowing sleeves tied at his wrists.  She hadn’t dared ask, but he’d opted to leave his hair loose, glossy black and tousled about his shoulders.  Black wings covered his face except for his mouth and eyes, sweeping tight to his head and down to his shoulders.

      Of course, the Master’s look was completed with his crop.

      She stared at that crop and her stomach turned to cold, hard lead, even while a rush of liquid warmth flooded her veins.

      “What’s the set up?”

      The distant, reserved tone of his voice helped her focus on the show, and not the Master.  “This is the opening shot that will play at the beginning of every single episode.  We didn’t want to associate our show with Silken every single time, so we chose a basic neutral shot here.”

      “Good.” He gave a curt nod, barely meeting her gaze.  “Where do you want me?”

      It felt strange to give him orders, but he’d made her showrunner.  This was her idea.  She wanted it to succeed on multiple levels, not the least of which was her career.

      She directed him to sit in a simple wooden chair with the crop in his lap.  “The scene opens with you cleaning and preparing your equipment.  The light will be focused on you, casting the rest of the area in shadows.  When you’re satisfied with the gleam on the leather, stand up.  The lighting will slowly brighten to show me at your feet, waiting for your attention.  We need a few minutes of Master/slave play.” Her throat tightened, making her voice gruff.  “Your choice.”

      “Excellent.” He smiled, and it was far from the mellow ease last night as he groaned beneath her hands.  This man couldn’t wait to bring that crop down on her flesh.  “I always thought we should eroticize the cleaning and care of our tools.”

      Mal snorted.  “I think your tool gets plenty of care, V.”

      Chuckling, he spread his knees wider and picked up an oiled cloth.  “Not yet.”  

      He met Shiloh’s gaze and her nerves zinged as though she’d been electrocuted.  He pointed the crop at the floor to his right.  He didn’t have to say a word.  From the tip of his smallest finger to the soles of his feet, the Master commanded her to kneel at his feet.

      That quickly, she slipped fully into the role of his submissive.  The show meant nothing.  This was their first scene, her chance to give him exactly what she’d been dreaming about.  As gracefully as possible, she knelt where indicated and pressed her face to the floor six inches from his boot.

      #

      Cameras rolled, lights blazed into his eyes, but Victor had one thought only: the woman waiting at his feet.  He’d never enacted a scene for one of his shows before, although he was no stranger to performances.  Sometimes it was hard to ignore the crowd; other times, the audience fed off the scene’s energy and multiplied it, frenzied as though they could feel his lust and power.  That’s exactly what he wanted this scene, this entire show, to bring to Dallas.

      With slow, deliberate intent, he stroked the cloth over the leather, lovingly caring for the weapon that could bring so much pain.  He’d carried it for years, and although he’d tried various other tools of the trade, he always came back to this crop.  It fit his hand perfectly, flexible but stout with a wide tip that combined to make a wickedly vicious whoosh.

      “That’s good, V,” Mal called from the side.  “It looks like you’re making love to the crop.  Prepare for the lights to brighten.”

      He gripped the crop in both hands at either end and stood, letting the camera focus solely on the Master’s weapon.  He wanted the viewers to lean toward the screen, breathless with anticipation about what he intended to do with it.  Light flooded the floor, and someone off to the left gasped, even though they’d all known Shiloh was there.

      He raised both arms overhead and turned his body slightly, giving his profile to the camera.  Poised, he waited what seemed like an eternity, and then he jerked his left hand down toward his thigh.  The crop whistled through the air.  Leather smacked against his thigh in a satisfying crack.  The stinging cut of the crop heightened his senses, focusing his mind and body on one thing only.

      Dominion.

      Shiloh’s hand crept out to touch his boot, begging for the next blow.

      He waited until she wrapped her hand around his ankle, and then he reached down, seized a handful of her hair at her nape, and hauled her up to her knees.  Bending down, he glared into her eyes.  “Why are you here?”

      He chose to say those words because that’s how he always opened a serious scene, and while this scene might be taped for a TV show, it was real, serious, heavy shit, to him at least.  He wanted to make sure she had committed to it as much as he did.  Unscripted, her responses would reveal her true intentions.  What did she expect to get out of a scene with him?

      “To submit to you, Master.”

      He straightened slightly, widening his stance, his left arm held out and back to the side, keeping the crop visible for the shot.  “What may I do to you?”

      “Anything you want, Master.”

      Ah, yes, she couldn’t have given him a more perfect response.

      He drew her closer, deliberately lifting her face toward his crotch.  She made it look pretty instead of vulgar, her back arched, her gorgeous ass lifted to tempt him.  Even if they were alone, he wouldn’t have let her touch him.  He merely wanted to torment her with what she couldn’t have.  Not until she’d satisfied his other urges.

      Her lips were soft, open, her face hauntingly beautiful with the stark lights blaring down on her and feathers curled about her cheeks.  She resisted his grip, pulling her own hair in order to lean closer, trying to get her mouth on him.

      The lights dimmed, breaking the moment.

      “Hold on just a minute,” Mal said to him, then louder, “Bring up the backlights.  This next part we want only their silhouette.  Okay, good.  When you’re ready, V.”

      “Ready for what?” Someone asked in a loud whisper.

      He whipped the crop over his head and brought it crashing down on Shiloh’s buttocks. 

      She let out a low, throaty moan that tore at his control.  He knew the blistering fire that had exploded on her skin, the deep throbbing pain despite his care to control his arm.  He never started as heavy as he would end; even as a sadist, he took care to begin with a sensual blow and not a cutting one backed by his full strength. 

      However, after denying his darker urges for so long, he was close to coming from that blissful sound of her cry alone.  To reward her, he let her rub her face high on his thigh.

      Shocked silence hung over the set for several long seconds, and then his crew erupted into cheers. 

      “Bring the lights up,” Mal said.  “Let’s see the whole thing from the beginning and see if we need to re-shoot.”

      Victor clenched his fist on the crop, grinding his teeth with fury.  He did not want to stop.  He did not want to sit down and watch the tape.  He wanted—

      Shiloh stared up at him, her eyes wide, glistening with tears, pleading.  “Please.”

      Don’t stop.

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Victor: Hurt Me So Good

The title I’m going with for now:  Hurt Me So Good.  I’m sure we’ll go through dozens of new ones, but this title says so much about the book.  It’s really perfect in a lot of ways, and stays true to the personal structure of Dear Sir, I’m Yours.

I’ve made two complete revision passes through Victor’s book, growing it slightly to 73.5K, a nice, meaty read.  I decided to keep the blog idea and added a few crucial posts to the story, similar to Rae’s letters to Conn.  The blog plays a crucial part in the external storyline, so I thought it fit, and it let me mix in some humor and layers of character.  

In the mix of revising Return to Shanhasson and the Maya story, I forgot how much I love this book.  Whew, baby, does Victor smolder.  Shiloh is unlike ANY heroine I have ever written before and I love her to pieces.  I wish I knew her in real life.  Sometimes I had to close my eyes in order to type her dialogue because she takes great pride in telling Victor exactly what she wants in brutal, dirty detail.  *snickers*

And Victor, well.  Let’s just say even Gregar is saluting him with his rahke

All that remains is the synopsis, and a few beta reads if anyone is so inclined.  My usual warnings and caveats:  my editor hasn’t gotten it yet and things may change after she makes her edit requests.  I don’t want a critique — just a read and judgment of enjoyment factor, although if you catch a typo, I’ll be ever grateful. 

This book is erotic romance–including BDSM, rough language, and the use of a riding crop–and NOT for the faint of heart.  If you’re still interested, e-mail me.  I reserve the right to decline if we’re not a good fit or if I’ve already received enough offers.  I’ll trade full reads with writers and give a final electronic copy to readers, as well as thank you in the dedication.

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Grand Plans Awry

As I said last week, I want to write a short and tidy contemporary romance.  I have my characters (although I’ve changed the hero’s name twice and it may change again).  This time I started with a target market and very strict and clear limitations for myself.

Since I want this nice and tight, I pulled out my old Marshall Plan Workbook.  I thought I’d do notecards, plot the whole thing out very carefully, and make sure that I had enough — and not too much — story.  No complicated subplots, no extra characters, so I really want this to be about 50-60K.

I got out my 40 notecards and numbered them.  I started taking notes on my character development.  This is the heroine’s story, so I spent quite a bit of time thinking about her backstory and how she got to this place.

But I really hadn’t PLOTTED.  I mean, I knew the beginning, middle and end, and I had the 3 surprises (that Marshall recommends) pretty much figured out, but I hadn’t written all those details down carefully.

I had the beginning research completed.  I looked up dressage, the American Royal Parade and Grand Prix in Kansas City, Andalusians, Friesans, and Greek vacation islands (wow, so gorgeous!).

Then Saturday morning we slept in, and in that in-between stage of awake but not quite ready to get up yet, I wrote the first couple of sections in my head.  Needless to say, before I would leave the house yesterday, I made myself write those sections down. 

So much for my careful notecards – I don’t have a single one written up.  But I do have 2600 words and Chapter One.  🙂  Sometimes the story is just ready to go.  Of course in the dreaded middle slump, I may wish very hard that I’d made myself write up all those plot cards…

Tonight while football is on, I’m going to work on Victor’s synopsis.

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Making Mistakes

Nobody likes to make mistakes.  For one thing, it’s pretty damned embarrassing, especially when it takes someone else to correct your mistake.  But I tell you now that there’s nothing that’ll open your eyes quicker than a humiliating mistake — if you’re willing to learn from it. 

It’s like the joke that Jeff Foxworthy tells:  When he was a kid and stuck his finger in a light socket, his dad said, “Hurt like hell, didn’t it?  Won’t do that again!”

Making writing mistakes hurts like hell too.  And yeah, I won’t be making this mistake again.

So what’d I do? 

Because of my lack of rules, boundaries, and limitations (see yesterday’s post), I didn’t make good choices from the beginning with the Maya story.  Remember all my posts about Revision Xibalba?  All that work?  Wasted.  Because I didn’t know what my genre was, and I didn’t stay within the lines.

To correct my mistake, I had to:

  • delete two subplots that convoluted and detracted from the main romance line.  Painful, because I loved these two stories.  Clue: I loved them enough, I should have given them their OWN book!
  • axe 25K
  • kill over a dozen characters.  Can you say too many characters?
  • rewrite the ending

Was all that work worth a little jaunt on the wildside?  In the end, I have to say yes, because it opened my eyes to the path I’d chosen.  I had to make a choice about whether to keep going and ignore the mistake, or correct it.  I chose to correct it, and I learned a lot from it too.  I can’t tell you how much better this ms is now, but I’m much happier with it.

And the real sign that I’ve made the right choice?  Before, I was blocked about what the next book would be in that series.  I jotted a few ideas, but I really had nothing beyond a general “I need to do this” sort of feeling.  As soon as I committed to the changes above, I immediately started getting excited about more things I could do — now that I had opened up the stable door and stepped inside.

So I guess I’m glad I made the mistake, but geez, I wish my head was a little less thick.

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Rules, Boundaries, and Limitations

The title sounds familiar to anyone who watches Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer.  Dog problems are usually their OWNER’S problems first, and it’s amazing how many annoying and dangerous dog issues he can solve simply by applying a little discipline.

My post yesterday about a twisted version of Black Beauty probably gave you the hint that I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries — harnesses and stables — this past month.  People have said that I’m disciplined, but all it really takes is a quick glance at my book list to see that it couldn’t be further from the truth. 

My interests are varied and wide.  I’ve written everything  from romance to horror and science fiction, with a bunch of flavors of fantasy mixed in.  I’ve even written a Civil War story!  I adore a challenge, and each time I see a new submission call, it can be dangerous.  I get an idea.  Sometimes it’s a burning hole in my mind until I write it. 

Even if it doesn’t go with anything else I’ve written.

My sixth year anniversary has come and gone, and I think it’s time I toughened up on myself.  I need to focus.  The freedom of writing whatever I wanted on a whim was fine for awhile, but if I want to take my writing to the next level, I need some discipline.

Rules, boundaries, and limitations.

I was talking with a sooper-duper writing friend yesterday and we talked about my unreasonable fear of limiting myself to one genre.  Or even one MIX of genres — not this mishmash of everything.  Deep down, I have a very great fear that if I enforce rules on myself, the writing will just shrivel up and die.  That I’ll lose the part of my writing that makes it special and unique (at least to me).  I’ve been in bad places before where I seriously doubted that I’d ever finish another book again, and I do NOT want to EVER go there again.

But if I want to go to the next level, I need to focus.  I need some limitations.  I need to face this fear.  Plus I’ve been receiving feedback on various stories, and it’s made me rethink what I’ve written and what I want to continue writing.

Conn and Victor both helped, but they weren’t quite enough.  See, one of my weaknesses as a writer is throwing stuff into a story that amuses ME, not necessarily the general reader.  It amused me to have Miss Belle solve a minor murder mystery in Dear Sir.  Her kooky antics with Colonel Healy put a smile on my face.  However, a few readers commented that the paranormal aspects were annoying.  I could have told Conn and Rae’s story without a ghost.

Focus.

The Witch once told me that I need to think about romance as a coloring book, and I need to learn how to color within the lines.  Meanwhile, I’ve been taking a marker and scribbling huge swatches of color all over the page, totally ignoring the lines in deliberate defiance.

So that’s an exercise I’m going to work on after Victor’s revisions are completed.  While I worldbuild the SFR world of Deathright and get back on track with it, I’m going to take a little time and write a simple, wonderful romance.  Only two crucial characters.  No paranormal, no fantasy, no violence, no horror, no mythology, not even erotic elements to detract from the relationship.

Just two people focused on each other and falling in love. 

If I can’t do it, then I need to rethink the SFR because the R means romance, and if I can’t get a simple, straightforward romance right, then what I want to do ultimately in Deathright won’t happen.

If you hear some squealing and stamping and crashing, it’s my horse totem throwing a fit in its stall.  Gregar is laughing so hard he fell off said horse and is rolling around on the ground.  Thank Vulkar he’s wearing something beneath his memsha this time.