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End of Year Panic

It’s the time of year when everyone starts posting about all the things they accomplished in 2019, and I start to freak out that I haven’t done enough. I didn’t write as many words as I’d planned. I didn’t publish what I’d planned. I didn’t do the new things on my list…

I guess it’s the achiever in me (#5 strength). I’ve always wanted to be the best, do the most, go above and beyond. Like I’m literally looking at my word count totals and crying inside, trying to decide if I can write another 30-50K by 12/31 just to make my number more respectable.

Which is silly. It is what it is. Writing frantically to “catch up” isn’t going to fix anything.

I’ve had SO MUCH going on this year. Everything has been in upheaval. It’s been boiling beneath the surface for years, which has put me under nearly unbearable stress, but the volcano definitely erupted in May and nothing will ever be the same. Change is hard. Stress is hard. And I’ve had nothing but change and stress since, and it’s not over yet. I think that’s the hardest part at this point – not having an end in sight. I don’t know how much longer this will take. I don’t know when my life can move on. When I can officially start those new plans. I’ve got countless lists started for those tasks – but I can’t do any of them yet. Not until this is final.

It’s rather like being trapped in the middle of a tornado, just waiting to be tossed out so I can begin to clean up the rubble and rebuild. But until I hit the ground… I can’t do anything.

Given that I’m also very highly dependent on stability to feel creative, that I’ve written anything at all since May is a miracle. So what if it’s only 10K or 20K a month. It’s still incredible given that I’m still trying to wade through neck-deep muck.

There’s so much I can’t say yet. Maybe I’ll never be able to say it all (because TMI on the ‘Net is forever). But I will say this.

Fear held me back for years. A writer’s imagination can be a crippling gift in that regard. Everything that could possibly go wrong or be horrible was easy for me to imagine. So I was rooted in place, afraid to make a move. Afraid to take that stand. Afraid to take the first step.

But once I took that step and the rest was inevitable…

I can’t even begin to describe how freeing it has been. Yes, it’s been hard. Everything that I feared actually DID COME TRUE. Every single thing I’d lain awake dreading and thinking about for years actually did happen. And then some.

Yet all that bad stuff STILL can’t compare to the freedom and relief I felt as soon as I took that step and committed my path to where I needed to go for myself. My imagination didn’t even come close in that regard. There are so many wonderful things ahead. So much dreaming that I can do now. So much freedom.

I’d been making compromises to stay afloat. To endure. To survive. I didn’t even realize how much I’d compromised and given up on, until I didn’t have to do it any longer. How many dreams I’d killed. How many basic requirements that I’d given up on.

So my goal for 2020 and beyond is to not compromise when it comes to how I’m treated.


Stories published this year:

  • Queen Takes Darkness
  • Queen Takes More
  • Princess Takes Academy
  • Queen Takes Camelot
  • Queen Takes Triune
  • House Isador boxed set
  • reformatted and re-released: Lady Wyre’s Regret, Lady Doctor Wyre, Lord Regret’s Price, and Her Grace’s Stable.

Total word count through 12/15: 189,173