Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Smell the coffee brewing, fresh, crisp books, and stories just waiting to be read? Great. Open your eyes and pretend this blurb is on the back of one of those books. Would you want to read the story? Opinions and feedback welcomed.
The working title was NIGHT SUN RISING but now that I’m in the query stage, I’ve been calling it THE BLOODGATE CODEX. Which do you like better?
Epigrapher Dr. Jaid Merritt is known as the “Un-Indiana Jones” on campus, but when her father disappears, she follows him to Guatemala with the ancient codex he discovered. In the ruins of the city once called the Mouth of Creation, she learns that the fables she’s been translating are frighteningly real: there really are “Bloodgates” to the mystical realms of the Maya gods, her father disappeared through one of these portals, and in the process, he accidentally released demons bent on human sacrifice. Now she must find a way to save him, force the demons back to Xibalba, and survive the wrath of the werejaguar priest who guards the magic as the Gatekeeper.
” there really are “Bloodgates” to the mystical realms of the Maya gods, her father disappeared through one of these portals, and in the process, he accidentally released demons bent on human sacrifice.”
Little awkward. I’m thinking the problem for me starts at the first comma here. It feels as if a word is missing, or perhaps as if a new sentence should start. Anyone else?
Krista, I’m being slightly tricky because I can only have 3 sentences. Is it the colon that’s bothering you? Maybe “: not only do Bloodgates to the mystical realms of the Maya gods exist, but her father also disappeared through one of these portals and accidentally released demons bent on human sacrifice.”
Does that read any better to you?
Or maybe even get rid of the colon entirely with:
In the ruins of the city once called the Mouth of Creation, she learns that the fabled “Bloodgates” described in the codex really do open the mystical realms of the Maya gods, her father disappeared through one of these portals, and in the process, he accidentally released demons bent on human sacrifice.
“she learns that the fables she’s been translating are frighteningly real”
Get rid of the THAT.
“there really are “Bloodgates” to the mystical realms of the Maya gods, her father disappeared through one of these portals, and in the process, he accidentally released demons bent on human sacrifice.”
This seems to run on, I would try her father disappeared through one of the portals, and in the process, released demons bent on human sacrifice.
Hope this helps, because it sounds intriguing. I do like your “high concept” about the hero being the “Un-Indiana Jones”.
I like the first change better.
Joely!!! I am so excited for you. I like Bloodgate Codex, actually. That’s snappy. I would definitely read this. Also I agree that there’s too much going on in that second sentence. I know you only have 3, but let’s break them up better?
Epigrapher Dr. Jaid Merritt is known as the “Un-Indiana Jones” on campus, but when her father disappears, she follows him to Guatemala with the ancient codex he discovered describing “Bloodgates,” portals to the mystical realms of the Mayan gods. In the ruins of the city once called the Mouth of Creation, she learns that the fables she’s been translating are frighteningly real: her father disappeared through one of these portals, and in the process, he accidentally released demons bent on human sacrifice. Now she must find a way to save him, force the demons back to Xibalba, and survive the wrath of the werejaguar priest who guards the magic as the Gatekeeper.
Any better?
I agree with the others that this sentence is too long. I think that you may be better served by breaking it into two or three separate sentences.
Also for the final line — is your werejaguar priest going to be Jaid’s possible love interest? If so, hint at that by calling him “sexy werejaguar priest” or … hmm…something like that. (Although not sure if you want to call him sexy or not. I’m sure there are better words to use, but that’s the only thing I can think of right now.)
Good luck!
Great feedback, everyone! Thank you, very much. I am limited to only 3 sentences, so I’ll keep shifting things around and see what I can cut.
Bloodgate Codex, definitely. Also? DUDE, I totally want to read this book.
Well, I’m hooked…
I like The Bloodgate Codex, and an un-Indy character sounds fascinating, especially since she’s female. 🙂 I’m OK with the colon sentence, actually, I just think you could shorten the 3 parts that come after it, so they kind of hit you bam-bam-bam! Maybe just tighten it up a bit by deleting a few words:
“In the ruins of a city once called the Mouth of Creation, she learns that the fables she’s been translating are frighteningly real: there really are “Bloodgates” to the mystical realms of the Maya gods, her father disappeared through one them, and in the process, accidentally released demons bent on human sacrifice. ”
OK, that wasn’t deleting very many words… But one other thing I just noticed is that in the original version you’ve mentioned Jaid’s father disappearing twice, which is wasting precious sentence space. What about focusing on the badass supernatural stuff after the colon – a la: “there really are Bloodgates, real demons bent on human sacrifice live on the other side of them, and her father accidentally released them…” That version sort sucks in and of itself, but see what I mean??
Definitely like “The Bloodgate Codex”. (it sound so….EPIC. Why yes, that is my new favorite word!).
Jess’ suggestion for rephrasing grabbed me the most, but I also agree with Bethanie about nixing one of the sentences that explains Jaid’s father has gone missing. Makes the sentences more punchy.
I love the line: Dr. Jaid Merritt is known as the “Un-Indiana Jones”.
I do not like “Epigrapher” to start the blurb. I don’t think I’m stupid, but is epigrapher a real profession? I don’t know. If so, can you move it further back in the sentence? If not, I would leave it out.
Also, add me to the list of fans for “The Bloodgate Codex.”
THANK YOU, everyone!!
I joked to May that maybe it would take me a village to write a blurb!
I’ve got a new draft I’ll post later today.
Venus, “Epigrapher” is someone who specializes in translating glyphs. Very valid point — is everyone going to know what that is? I’m 90% sure it got axed in this next draft.
Thanks again!