Ode to Rhetorical Queries

For Mr. Nathan Bransford who writes “Well, I suppose it would work for someone to write an ode to queries beginning with rhetorical questions, but so far I have been spared that unfortunate spectacle.”  Although I don’t think this ode will bring out the snide comment gun.  I hope.  *wg*

Have you ever wondered why
Your query letter fails?
Why Agent mutters die, die, DIE!
As soon as he reads your mail,
And never asks for a full?
Have you ever taken the time
To read his wants and desires?
Or do you simply shoot the bull?
So why demand his precious dime
Spent wading through your mire?

Did you ever stop to think
That your query is one in a million?
Not a shining star on the brink;
Rather, a haze of vermillion
O’er his eyes in that slushy slog.
Yet another lame un-proofed query
To Miss Nate or Mr. Jane;
Fiction novel — bring out the flog!
Is it any wonder his eyes are bleary
As he reads your penned bane?

Why set his hair on fire
For material he doesn’t represent–
Instant rejection so dire;
Into the trash your manuscript went–
When a quick search earns his affection?
Can we not all agree
To cease the inane letters?
Why can’t we simply follow directions?
No rhetoricals, his fervent plea.
So why aren’t these queries getting any better?