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Pulling Punches

So yesterday, I worked every free moment I had on the “final exam” of the Letters prequel.  It was exhausting.  I wrestled a paragraph and rested.  I wrote in the morning before work, over lunch, after work before dinner, and finally, stumbled over the finish line. 

After I tweeted about how exhausted I felt, May and Soleil kindly offered to read, and while I felt like I’d been rolling around in broken glass to finish it, I took them up on that offer.  The last thing I want to do is post something that’s not good, really good.

And darn it, May thought it had some problems.  Oh, it was written pretty well, I think, certainly overwritten–it needed to be trimmed and tightened–but there was a really big problem lurking in those pages.  Although it was pretty hot, it was too clean.  Too tidy.  Or in other words, it wasn’t rough enough.  Maybe that’s why I was so exhausted–I was fighting the story.

See, I’ve been working on a tricky balance in this Prequel.  It has to be good.  It has to be something people will read and want to continue reading Dear Sir, I’m Yours when it releases.  I mean, that’s the whole point, really, to hook people into buying it who may be on the fence.  However, the reality is that the upcoming final exam has to be so bad that it sends Rae running for five years.

Five years!

So you see my dilemma.  If my hero comes off as an asshole in the freebie prequel, who’s going to buy the book?   

Conn will be the first to admit that he can be an insufferable bastard on occasion.  This is one of those occasions.  Yet I realized that in trying to keep him from coming off as a total bastard, I’d made him a different kind of bastard all together.  I pulled his punches.  Hell, I even pulled Rae’s punches.  I cleaned them up and dressed them in their Sunday best and sat them all prim and proper to eat vanilla ice cream with his big desk between them, and they are both so pissed at me that Conn is contemplating throwing his biggest anthology at my head and Rae has the shotgun out that she reserves for her ex-husband.

Self-editing at its worst. 

I was afraid of what people would think.  I was afraid of the very characters that I’d created.  I was afraid to crack open that door to their darkest moment and let all that ugliness spill out.  I did the same thing with Gregar when he finally approached his heart’s desire.  I took away his ivory rahke and told him to go forth and be good, and he tried, bless his heart.  But it wasn’t him. 

I created a dark, larger than life character, and then in his spotlight in the darkest hour, I flinched.  I took away Dr. Connagher’s mask but slapped another one in its place.  I didn’t let the real Conn–who Rae loves and fears–show through.

So no snippet today and maybe tomorrow.  I need to rework what I have.  I need to let Rae begin with the power she thinks she has, and then bring her to the realization that she has none whatsoever.  And then  I need to let Conn get that pretty white skirt that she wore to tempt him just a little bit dirty.

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Summer Reading, Twittering, and iPhone

If you don’t follow me on Twitter, let me sum up (probably in a lot more than 140 characters).  For my birthday, I bought a refurbished iPhone.  I’d been coveting one for a long time, but was too worried about what it’d do to our already extensive cellular bill.  (That Man lives on his cell for work.)  However, after a talk with the nice lady at the AT&T store, she explained that the only change in my bill would be the $30 data plan, and I already had $10 data that would come off.  So for $20 more a month, I could go with the iPhone (assuming we don’t go over our minutes, which we have to watch anyway).

Now, a few weeks later, I can’t imagine life without it.  Last night while That Man dragged us all out to Princess Monster’s karate practice, I sat and read the first draft of Arcana without lugging the laptop into the car, while blocking out the monsters’ incessant bickering because I had my earplugs and tunes playing.

I also bought two great Spice Briefs–The Wicked West by Holly Summers (Victoria Dahl) and Second Time Around by Portia Da Costa–and devoured them, effortlessly, while waiting in the parking lot to pick up the monsters from the first day of summer school.

I can check my e-mail, and yes, I can Twitter so much easier!  I never really “got” Twitter until I had the iPhone.  It’s so much easier to simply type a short update of 140 characters or less and post it, than to pull up the blog and think of something coherent and detailed to say.  Plus, I’ve found so many cool people on Twitter.  I already blogged about how much I enjoyed Portia’s In Too Deep, so of course I’m following her Twitter updates.  She posted about Victoria Dahl’s new Spice Brief, so I picked it up, too, and WHOA, I loved it!

Lily is a submissive who knows exactly what she wants, and she wants her next door neighbor, Sheriff Hale.  Hale, on the other hand, is appalled when the delicate Englishwoman sees the truth that he’s been hiding.  He’s a very reluctant Dom, and Lily is an incredible sub without coming across as being weak or whiny at all.  In fact, she’s the opposite.  She has the power in the relationship, because she knows the truth and she’s isn’t afraid of it.  A fabulous hot read with wonderful characters and story, so check it out!

Speaking of reading, did you notice the Summer Reading Trail over in the sidebar —> below “My Books?”  If you click on it, you’ll be taken to the head of the trail at Viorey Linger’s blog with a whole list of free reads for your summer enjoyment, including my own The Shadowed Blood.  New freebies will be offered throughout the summer, so check back each month.  I plan to finish the Dear Sir, I’m Yours prequel short and offer it next month (but of course it’ll be available here on my Free Reads page as well).

So, what are you reading this summer?  Anything new and exciting that I can throw onto my iPhone?

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The Road to Shanhasson: Gregar

Out of the cast of a hundred of so characters in the Shanhasson trilogy, I get the most comments about Gregar, the Shadowed Blood.  I even wrote a prequel short story from his point of view (available here as a free read), and I often joked about The Road to Shanhasson being “Gregar’s Book.”  He’s my Muse; when I think of the “still silent voice” that helps me write, it’s his voice I hear.  Even when I’m writing something different, he touches my writing. 

Let’s just say, he’s been a very, very bad influence on me, in a very good way.

What’s funny is that I created him and the rest of the Shanhasson cast long before I knew anything about “proper” character development.  Which is maybe why he’s so very, very wicked. 

So with small excerpts from The Shadowed Blood (pdf), The Rose of Shanhasson, and The Road to Shanhasson as appropriate for illustration:

Top Ten Reasons Why Gregar Isn’t a Proper Romancelandia Hero

(See explanation of proper at the bottom of this post.)

10. He has a terrible, ribald sense of humor. 

 

“Will you let me claim you here and now?” Rhaekhar asked.

From the heated thickness in his voice, she dreaded asking for an explanation.  “Claim?”

“Gregar, what is the proper word?” 

“Marry, wed, consummate, pleasure, mate, copulate, tup,” the dark-haired warrior replied with a wicked smile of delight.

 

9. Gregar is famous on the Plains for “arse competitions.” 

 

“Since you’re new to the Plains, you might not know that Gregar is actually very famous.” Watching the red-haired young man, she narrowed her gaze, wary of his wide-eyed innocence. “You could always ask them for an arse competition.”

She spluttered. “What?”

Dharman groaned. “That isn’t appropriate for Khul’lanna’s claiming.”

“Why not?” Sal winked at her and whispered conspiratorially. “You must like their arses rather well.”

Face hot, she started walking toward the center of Camp. Dharman still held her upper arm, walking slightly behind her and close enough he would trip over her feet if he wasn’t careful.

The lad with the wretched sense of humor walked alongside her. “Don’t you?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“At the Kae’Khul, he made quite an impression on everyone. Alea still remarks about it sometimes.”

“Only when you’re up to mischief yourself,” Dharman retorted. “Leave Khul’lanna alone, Sal. She obviously doesn’t want to talk about arses, Gregar’s, Khul’s, or yours for that matter.”

“But Alea often mutters that I could give Gregar a hard gallop for his rahke. When I’m older, of course.”

A surge of what Shannari could only call jealousy burned in her stomach at the thought of the tall sun-kissed woman getting an eyeful of Gregar’s ass, delightful or not as it might be. Through his bond, she felt only a smug silence, which actually made her madder. “Tell me about the Kae’Khul. Is that when Rhaekhar became Khul?”

“Oh, aye, it was a glorious event,” Sal replied. “Gregar and Varne were at it as usual …”

“Wait. I thought they were friends, like you and Dharman.”

“Nay, Khul’lanna,” Dharman said. “Friends, true, but there has always been an edge between them. They aren’t friends like Sal and I. We have an understanding.”

“An understanding?”

“What’s mine is his; what’s his is mine. I lead; he follows. There are no questions or doubts between us.”

“Unless it comes to mischief.” Sal leaned in close to whisper. “Then I lead Dharman where he’d hesitate to go.”

“Aye, and have led me into more trouble than I care to admit.” Although grumbling, Dharman smiled at his friend. “I shall lead you to yet greater trouble soon enough.”

“I cannot wait,” Sal breathed, his face softening with something rather like reverence.

“Me, either, my friend. Me either.”

They both looked at her with expectation, hope, and a sort of worshipful awe that embarrassed her. If they knew even half of the darkness that she carried inside … The Lady’s Lake within her resonated with a deep humming echo of power. Uneasy, she changed the subject. “So did Khul compete in this arse competition at the Kae’Khul?”

“Nay, the competition was between Gregar and Varne. It started as a friendly bet, but I believe they came close to formal challenge. I always thought they disagreed over which would lead as nearest Blood to Khul, but now …” Dharman glanced at her, his gaze considering. “Whatever the disagreement, Gregar lightened the argument with a joke, dared Varne to an arse competition—”

“Which he won, of course,” Sal added helpfully.

“Aye, and gained legendary status as a result. I’ve heard he’s even been known to flip up his memsha at kae’don to infuriate his opponents.”

She could absolutely picture it: the dark-haired Blood, laughing and winking as he flipped up the short cloth about his hips. He’d probably shout a few obscenities, too, all to better rile his opponent.

:Kiss my arse works rather well.:

 

8. He used to be a Death Rider, an assassin dedicated to the Great Wind Stallion.

  

She pointed her sword at Gregar.  “Back off.”

The Blood took a step closer, pressing the sword tip into his body.  Her jaw tightened with determination and she pushed a little harder, puncturing his chest.  Smiling with anticipation, Gregar pushed back.  A little closer, a little more steel pressing into his body.

She shifted her grip on the hilt, fully prepared to skewer him.  A coldness settled on her features that told Rhaekhar she’d killed before and often.  Very impressive.  He liked a hint of danger in a woman. 

Evidently, so did Gregar.  “Go ahead,” he taunted, his low voice echoing with amusement and his trademark wickedness.  Shannari shivered and her eyes widened.  “Run me through.  I shall greatly enjoy it.”

Her gaze flickered to the smaller wound she dealt to Rhaekhar’s neck earlier.  “Are you all crazy?”

“Gregar is… special.  He used to be a Death Rider.”  At the blank look on her face, Rhaekhar added, “An assassin.  Death Riders delight in sacrificing blood to the Great Wind Stallion.  Blood sacrifice is a very great honor among us.”

She jerked her sword away.  Gregar wiped his hand across his chest and licked the blood from his fingers.  “Would you like a taste?”

 

7. As a Death Rider, he can wrap himself in Shadows and disappear, lying in wait until his mark comes close enough to sacrifice. 

She stared at the feathered arrow sticking out of her shoulder. How could she have forgotten the archer? She fell to her knees and used the tall grass to shield herself, but it might not be enough.

“Khul’lanna!” Gregar roared with fury that another had hurt her. Only the Shadowed Blood was allowed that privilege. Shadow swallowed him, engulfing him whole, and Death came like a killing frost up the hill toward her.

 

 

6. He’s arguably one of the best rahke fighters on the Plains and is never without his ivory knife that he earned as a Death Rider.  Just don’t ask what the “ivory” hilt is made out of if you don’t really want to know.

“This one is Gregar, my shadowed Blood who used to be a Death Rider.”

So cold.  She opened her mouth to ask where he was, her teeth chattering harder.  A blade touched her neck and she froze.  Blessed Lady, the Blood was close enough to hold a knife to her throat while she sat here, oblivious until he touched her with steel.  As always when threatened from her blind spot, terror screamed through her body.  Muscles bunched, her fingers locking on the hilt, her heart thundering in her ribcage.  Her fear only intensified the sense of bone-chilling cold rolling off the Blood. 

Varne removed his hand from hers and stood at Rhaekhar’s side protectively.  Automatically, she started to draw the sword.  Helpless with a knife at her throat, she couldn’t just sit here and—

The wickedly sharp blade lifted her chin higher and the sudden press of bare flesh against her back scalded her.  The Blood whispered against her ear.  “Shall I draw a bit more of your sweet blood for Khul?”

 

#

 

Gregar hovered against her back, barely visible in thick, black shadows.  As a Death Rider, he could wrap the cold Shadow of Death about himself and disappear.  He could slit Shannari’s throat before she even knew he was there, and the knowledge shook her to the core.  Silently, Rhaekhar waited for her to look to him for assistance.

The Blood whispered something to her too low for him to hear.  Her jaw clenched and she stiffened, her fingers tight on the sword’s hilt.  Shadows draped across her shoulders, darkening her face.

Rhaekhar felt a sudden and irrational urge to drag her away from the Blood.  In his heart he knew the Blood would never hurt her, but he couldn’t ease the trepidation.  The shadows wanted to suck her down and drown her in a sea of blood and agony. 

Gregar raised his head, his dark eyes glittering like black ice in the shadows.  At his familiar smirk, Rhaekhar loosened the tension straining his shoulders. 

“Or perhaps I shall draw Khul’s blood for you.”

Her gaze leaped to Rhaekhar’s face, her eyes wide with fear and reluctant desire.  The surge of hunger through their na’lanna bond at the thought of tasting his blood very nearly sent him plunging over the cliff into raging, uncontrollable lust.  Why did she fear his disgust when he would like nothing better than to give his blood to her?

“Leave us,” he ordered, his voice thick and heavy to his own ears. 

Gregar drew his rahke up her neck, trailing the blade across her cheek in an odd, dangerous caress, but he stood and backed away.

 

5. Before Gregar became Blood, he very nearly assassinated the main hero of the Shanhasson trilogy.

Rhaekhar dropped his voice to a fervent whisper.  “The Rose will be mine, a love like no other.”

Those words rocked Gregar to his heels and the Shadowed Call thundered louder.

Kill him, kill him, KILL HIM!

This warrior would be Khul, any Death Rider’s greatest mark.  Nay, the woman, his woman, would be Khul’lanna, his greatest mark, his most secret heart’s desire, and Rhaekhar would take her as his own.

Gregar held himself very still, but inside, his heart raged, his stomach rebelled, and his very blood boiled in his veins in denial.  The ivory rahke came into his hand eagerly, hungry for this warrior’s blood.

 

4. He knows he’s going to die, and soon.  Surely that makes him poor romance hero material, right?

“While I live, no one will touch you with steel or blade again.  As long as you let me stay close, at your back, like this.”

“I can’t love again.”

“You already do.”

Gregar spoke so matter-of-factly, so calmly, while she wanted to hack and slash all about her with a sword.  “Even if I do, I can’t stay.  I know my destiny, Gregar.  I must return to the Green Lands.”

“Eventually.”  He rubbed his cheek against hers and then released her.  “I know my destiny, too, and Khul’s.  Your priest is not the only one who has premonitions.  I’ve seen the day of my death.  I’ve seen the years of happiness it will buy you with Khul.  And it’s worth the sacrifice.”

 

3. He loves Shannari, but she’s also his greatest mark as a Death Rider.  e.g. the temptation to kill her rides him hard.

 

Midnight eyes pooled with tears, she lay beneath him, trembling as his life’s blood poured out on her skin.  She had not come easily to his embrace.  She never did.  Fighting for her life, she’d enjoyed wounding him as much as he’d relished her pain.

 She fed his darkness like no other. 

“I love you.”

“Aye,” he whispered, smoothing his thumb over the pulse thumping frantically in her throat.  “My heart is yours, na’lanna.” 

My beloved.

And he buried the ivory rahke in her heart.

 

2. Pain and blood only turn him on.  

Shannari took a long, shuddering breath.  Her eyes flew open.  And with a low, vicious cry, she buried the rahke in Gregar’s chest. 

The dark-haired Blood with the wicked smile fell forward slowly, the knife in his chest still in her hand.  Horrified, Shannari tried to pull back, but his hands gripped hers in a vise, pressing the blade deeper.

He fell on her, staring into her eyes.  No surprise, no reprisals, no pain.  His gaze was heavy lidded, smoldering with desire, pleasure, raw hunger, death.  Blood gushed from the wound, searing her skin.

“Thank you,” Gregar whispered, his voice thick.  “You honor me.”

 

1. He has no limits. 

Her voice flat and cold, she admitted the atrocity of her Dream. “I let you hurt me, and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed hurting Khul by letting you hurt me. And then I killed you.”

“Shadow lies to you again, Shannari.” Gregar unsheathed the ivory rahke and laid it on the tent floor before him. “I’m tainted with Shadow, this we all know. However, my heart’s desire is not to die in your embrace.” He forced the words from his throat, and ice fisted Rhaekhar’s heart with each word. “My most secret heart’s desire is for you to die in my embrace. It’s what I dreamed for years before I became Blood. I killed you a thousand times before I ever knew your name.”

“You would enjoy hurting me,” she whispered, a question not an accusation. “You would enjoy killing me.”

“I have no limits,” Gregar replied, his voice cracking with strain. “I warned you, and I warned Khul. That’s why I refuse to participate in your claiming and why I didn’t push for you to admit your love for me. Aye, I would hurt you and enjoy it. I would kill you and enjoy it, even while I raged at myself for ending your life. I love you too much to risk you.”

 

Despite knowing he’ll die, that he will kill her if given half a chance, Shannari still loves him.  And yeah, so do I.

And here’s the explanation about why Gregar always puts special emphasis on proper.

“Are you up for a kae’rahke this night, Gregar?”

The two warriors rode ahead, leaving Shannari staring after them with dread pounding in her veins. A kae’rahke? Challenge? Sometimes they fought to the death.

“Aye, I’m up for many things, Khul.”

Rhaekhar laughed, a dark masculine sound of arrogance that made her grind her teeth together. “I bet you are. Good. I’ll declare you co-mate before the claiming. What do you want for terms?”

Groaning, Shannari tried to think of a way to distract them. Short of ripping her armor and clothes off, she didn’t think much would distract them from their goal of blood.

Gregar winked at her. “I would certainly enjoy another kiss. This time, I want a proper kiss.”

“Oh, aye,” Rhaekhar replied, giving her a smoldering look over his shoulder. “Do you want her tongue in your mouth, or yours in hers?”

“Preferably both.”

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Birthday Extravaganza

Wow, I’ve had an incredible birthday this year!  First two wonderful, exciting covers.  Second, two fun movies:  Wolverine and Star Trek.  Third, a monsterless night–they went to spend a night with Papa on the farm and had so much fun they didn’t want to come home.  Dad estimates they caught nearly 50 perch, and one bass so large that it broke Middle Monster’s cane pole.  They rode horses until they were exhausted (the horses, that is), had a bonfire, caught fireflies, and saw their distant cousins tonight.

But the icing on the cake for this birthday:  dinner at Mythos.  If you read Dear Sir, I’m Yours next month, you’ll see the restaurant mentioned.  It’s a real place in Joplin MO and has incredible food.  I was so stuffed that I could barely stay awake for the drive home.

Star Trek was fantastic.  I’m such a goob that I bawled in the first five minutes.  I cheered.  I clapped.  So much fun.  Once, I even swayed in my seat and bumped shoulders with That Man.  See, when we were kids, Sis and I would stumble and fall all about the house, pretending that we were in the middle of an Enterprise crash.

Wolverine was fun but not nearly as good as Star Trek.  It left me feeling sad and dissatisfied.

We also watched There Will Be Blood last net via Netflix.  That Man fell asleep.  I wish I had.  I hated the way it ended and was mad I wasted two hours of my life watching it.

All in all, this has been an incredible holiday weekend.  My allergies are acting up so I’m taking Benedryl, and it’s really kicking my fanny.  I can hardly stay awake.  I’m miserably behind on MayNoWriMo, but I hope to get some words made tomorrow and Monday.

Hope you’re all having a terrific Memorial Day weekend!

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Monster Pictures

Last night was Littlest Monster’s big night:  she graduated from kindergarten!  Here are a few pictures from the big event.  My Dad – aka Papa from Mexico (he worked in Mexico for about two years when the monsters were little and the name stuck) drove all the way back down here for the event (1 1/2 hour drive one way) despite being in Springfield earlier in the day to take my Grandpa to a doctor’s appointment.  Princess Monster isn’t pictured since she had her first Karate for Christ lesson last night.

Littlest Monster Graduates from Kindergarten
Littlest Monster Graduates from Kindergarten
Middle Monster hams it up
Middle Monster hams it up
The Monsters love their Papa
The Monsters love their Papa
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Happy Mother’s Day!

Sorry, I’m late, I know.  It’s been a busy weekend.

Last night, Princess Monster sang with her honor choir on stage at the Baldknobbers in Branson.   It was such a great experience, and we all had a great time.  However, that meant we didn’t get home until really late, and earlier, we had a lot of prep.

The monsters gave me my gifts yesterday.  Princess and Littlest Monster each picked out an outfit with Dad’s help, pink and orange respectively (their favorite colors).  Middle Monster surprised me with her gift:  makeup, the bare minerals kind at Wal-Mart.  Of course, the best part of the gift in her opinion was putting that makeup on Mom before the show last night!  And of course, I let her put some on too.  Mom looked very spiffy for the show.

They each also colored cards and handmade things.  Princess Monster made a poetry book; Middle Monster wrote me a really cute letter; and Littlest Monster drew a picture of me and her going to a coffee shop.  Do they know me or what?

Today, we were at the in-laws.  Sigh.  Not my idea, but oh well.  They wanted me to bring Settler’s Beans, but with not getting home until late last night, and it being Mother’s Day today, I just didn’t want to cook.  We picked up chickens and a fruit plate at Wal-Mart; others brought KFC fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and cole slaw.  The fruit was a big hit.  I wanted chocolate dipping sauce, but couldn’t find any, so I settled on dark hot fudge.  Ooooh, it was so good!  I brought an extra container of strawberries, and then Aunt S donated more when we ate all of ours.  Grandma also made homemade ice cream.

That Man and I came home around 4 PM to work on laundry, and Uncle T brought the monsters home around 6 PM.  I also talked with Granny, my mom, and folded 3 loads of laundry so far.  The only thing I haven’t done much of this weekend:

writing.

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MayNoWriMo: Days 7, 8

I was sooo tired last night, I could barely keep my eyes open. I finished yesterday’s Dark & Early session quite short — well under 1K — and so I tried to stay up until I got the normal NaNoWriMo daily goal (1667) but I just couldn’t make it. I did, however, finish two more bookmarks. This time, I tried Joy’s pattern. It’s quite a bit more complicated than the one I found online, and not as fast to make, but oh, they are so pretty! I laced one with two colors of ribbon and it looks quite nice. I’ll post a picture later.

Because I was so exhausted last night, I wasn’t sure how well I’d do this morning, if I even managed to get up. I almost stayed in bed, but finally dragged myself up shortly after 5 AM. The morning seemed endless. It’s dark outside still (stormy) and it’s been a really long week, but I finished up last night’s section, started a new one, and finished it (it was one of those blessedly short < 1K sections). So excellent progress this morning, even though the word count isn’t huge.

Yesterday: 1400

Today: 1295

Total: 17760

 

17,760 / 100000

 

Snippet:  Mrs. Lane is an interesting character; unfortunately, I didn’t “know” her before starting this story, so I’m sure I will need some serious revisions later.  I want her to be as remarkable as Miss Belle, providing some comic relief but also a larger than life and highly interesting, well motivated character.  This is a start, but I’m sure she’ll need much more work to get her just right.  First draft, revisions coming.

Mrs. Lane stood in the doorway to the kitchen, her chin jutted out, feet braced wide, gripping a wooden spoon in her hand as fiercely as any knight wielding a mace.  “The carriage house is ready, my lady.”  Bristling with indignation, she shot a glare at Mr. Nevarre that would have sent His Majesty stammering and scurrying away.  “I shall be on guard, sir.”

Mr. Nevarre bowed lower to Mrs. Lane than he’d done to the lady of the castle, again, never lowering his eyes from her challenge.  “Then I shall sleep well indeed, safe in the knowledge that Castle Nocturna will withstand any threat.”  He straightened and turned his attention to Lilias.  His mouth tightened, his eyes dark with speculation.  “If the lady still wishes to extend the invitation?”

Weighing her alternatives, Lilias concentrated all her senses on the man.  Could she trust him? 

At first glance, he appeared as any other gentleman:  his clothing fine but not fashionable, his manners impeccable, obviously well educated and traveled.  However, at closer glance, one noted that his skin had been darkened considerably by long years in the desert sun.  Instead of the shorter fashionable curls most gentlemen had adopted, his hair was long and tied at his neck in a queue.  The shoulders and arms of his coat strained, promising incredible strength that a gentleman of leisure could not claim. 

And his eyes, brown with flecks of gold, but not soft or warm in any way, rather as cold as the cobra focused on its victim.  Every time she studied him, she was reminded of some kind of fanged serpent.  How could she possibly allow this danger to remain in Nocturna, near her sister and innocent students? 

On the other hand, if this man had tried to kill her last night, then it might behoove her to keep him close–where she could defend herself at the first sign of danger.  To do so, though, she would need to use her magic and allow the castle’s nexus to fill her.  She suddenly felt as though the massive stone walls of the castle had tumbled down to stack upon her shoulders. 

Perhaps she wasn’t suffering the beginning stages of mage madness; perhaps she could live long enough to ensure Violet’s dream of a Season and a happy marriage to some young gentleman.  And perhaps this deadly man meant her no harm, neither.

Releasing a little sigh of resignation, she inclined her head.  “Allow me to direct you to the carriage house, Mr. Nevarre.”

She walked with him through the heavy oaken door opposite the main entrance, following the pebbled path that meandered alongside the Great Hall and then across the courtyard.

“When I was a girl, I used to carry a hoe,” Mrs. Lane called after them.  “Snakes love to creep into the henhouse and devour the eggs and sweet little baby chicks.  Mark my words, a venomous viper dies as quickly as a garden snake once its head is chopped off.”

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Bad Blogger

Sorry for my absence.  I guess the funeral really took it out of me.

On the drive up, we passed through our old home town and took the “usual” route to Sedalia that I drove the summer between my junior and senior year in high school when I attended summer college.  It was weird to see how much was still the same, even after 20 years.  We even timed the trip so we could have dinner at our old family favorite, El Sambre.  That was *the* place to eat when we were kids, and I swear, it tasted and looked exactly the same as I remember.  Food was wonderful.

I made three passes through the copy edits for Dear Sir, I’m Yours on the drive.  Did you know I used “damn” on average once every four pages?  *dies* 

I even found the place where Mom’s car blew up on me and left me stranded alongside the road for three hours.  A farmer drove by and took me up to his house so I could call for help (this was the dark ages before cell phones).

In Marshall, we met up with all of That Man’s family for family night.  We haven’t seen most of his cousins since the last funeral (his uncle who passed away from cancer about 3-4 years ago).  Middle Monster made a new friend — That Man’s aunt who has horses.  She’s already begging us to take her to the family farm so she can meet the horses. 

We had a late night and a very early, stressful morning, but it was a lovely sunny spring day.  The service was nice, Grandma looked really good.  She was 90 years old with many great and great-great grandchildren present.  Afterwards, we went to a little country church (that Grandma and Grandpa had attended before their health prevented it) for an old-time potluck spread. 

Then the long drive home.  I slept most of the way and got a terrible crick in my neck.  I tried to read, but I just couldn’t stay awake.  I’ve been sort of out of it since, in “survive until Friday” mode.  However, this weekend isn’t going to be all sunshine and bunnies.  In fact, we plan to do some serious cleaning.  The monsters have agreed to clean and organize the basement, as well as give away a bunch of toys (to make room for new ones, obviously).  Not their idea of cleaning, which means pick up everything — dirty clothes, books, shoes, toys — and shove it into a container; Mom will be supervising.  As their reward, we plan to take them to the Hannah Montana movie.

It’s going to be a really, really long day.

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Drollerie Press Blog Tour

Our theme this month is “poetry” in honor of poetry month.  The master list of participants can be found at Drollerie Press.  Please welcome Cindy Lynn Speer, the author of the lovely The Chocolatier’s Wife!  My post can be found on her blog here.

I have a strong connection to poetry…I was drawn to it early, partly because it was something that felt accomplishable.  I could finish a poem in one sitting if I felt the words, and it was an outlet for all those jumbled, impossible emotions we feel in our teens, a place to say things about the things I’d seen, to remind me of what I’d felt, of what I’d experienced.   Sometimes you can’t use an image in a story, but it still means something…the abandoned warehouses, the fallen in barns, the boy on the bus with the smile that means a thousand things.
 
For years, I’d be walking around, or doing work, or whatever, and I’d hear a line in my head, over and over again, like a song.  I’d write it down, and sometimes, the lines would follow, spinning like a web.
 
I used to read my poems out loud, to audiences.  Sometimes people would ask for copies.   One of the most popular was this, inspired by a line from Dante.
 
Nor in memory held

It is dark and cold.
I sit on the heating vent in my kitchen floor,
thinking only of
the smoothness of the glass I hold,
the hum of the refrigerator…
mundane, I know,
cut to the chase.
You see, nothing major happened today,
I didn’t have a friend die of AIDS,
or wreck my car.
But the feeling I have
is incomprehensible…
It’s the feeling you get when your husband’s
no longer your best friend,
or you realized that the girl you thought
was your sister in college wasn’t ever going to call,
or write, or even remember you.
Nor in memory held,
you sit in the darkness and feel sorry for yourself,
happy for the warm air across belly and breasts,
for the dusky bitter taste of orange juice,
and the frost defracting into jewels on the window.
That is why I cry,
for beauty not…
Nor in memory held.

 
 
This was me, just before graduating from college…before I was married, before I found out that there may come a time when your “Husband is your husband’s no longer your best friend, or you realized that the girl you thought was your sister in college wasn’t ever going to call…”  It turned out to be prophetic.  I divorced my college sweetheart…and I found that I no longer heard the words in my head.  No lines came to me like a refrain, and any images that came seemed to fit better in a short story or novel…they had their own music to them, but not that kind.  It was as if the part of my mind that wrote poetry had died.  You’d think not, since poetry had been such a huge emotional outlet for me, but maybe it’d gotten overwhelmed, blown a circuit, or just decided to go on strike.
 
Sometimes, I try again.  I found a snippet of a poem I started, long time ago, sitting in the back of a soiree, waiting my turn to read.  It was about the time I started getting interested in fairy tales again, and so I decided, later, to finish it.   I don’t know if I will ever be able to call myself a poetess again, but maybe, sometime, to paraphrase a line from Anne Sexton, the music will swim back to me.
 
The Piper’s Children
 
“…and they were never seen again.” – from The Pied Piper
 
The woods are dark and deep,
but the blackness,
and bleakness,
bother me no longer.
It did when I first entered them.
I was seven and the music,
that lovely sound,
gentle and coaxing like a warm river,
lead us all.
We were leaves,
spinning and turning on that magic current…
But without warning
the music was gone,
leaving us empty,
abandoned and hopeless.
I found a wide stream
and I waited
for the music to come again.
If I wait long enough,
maybe he’ll relent,
lift his pipe to his lips
and that beautiful tide will return.
It will rise and flow
and take us home.

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In Memory

Grandma K — That Man’s grandmother — has always been “Grandma in the Hospital” to Littlest Monster because as long as she can remember, Grandma K has been in the nursing home.  Well, she’s not in the hospital any longer; she’s dancing in heaven with Grandpa K and her son who passed away a few years ago from cancer.  We’ll be traveling Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday to attend the funeral.

“May the thunder of the Great Wind Stallion’s hooves carry you home to His Clouds.”  Kae’Shaman touched the brand to the wood, and the flames leapt eagerly.  “There your hooves never tire; your body never falters.  You will gallop across the sky at Vulkar’s side, and we who remain shall hear your thunder, and remember.”        ~ The Road to Shanhasson