Keeping up with my horse metaphor I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve been struggling with something that very rarely bothers me. 

The urge to quit.

Not writing in general, but a specific story, namely my nice tight contemporary romance I want to write.  Oh, don’t get me wrong–the doubt monster always shows up at some point, typically in the dark moment of the story.  Yet I’ve barely even gotten this story off the ground and the rats are abandoning ship left and right.

I have pages and pages of notes, so I decided to at least get a partial written.  Then I can set it aside, think about the plot, and see how it’ll all stick together (or whether it’ll all stink to high heaven).  So many times I get an idea, jot notes frantically, and then the story goes cold.  Notes that meant something to me a month ago, suddenly make me suspect the monsters stole my journal and wrote in it instead of me. 

I decided to avoid that confusion by writing the synopsis first.  *laughs snorts falls over*  Yeah, you know how much we all love writing synopses.  Seriously, though, I almost always come up with a way to tighten the plot when I make myself concentrate on summarizing the key turning points of the story.  Plus, I’ll have all the internal/external conflicts documented and figured out, so that can only save me time, right?

Right.

So imagine a great big seven-foot Wall of white fencing, foot-thick bricks, and a treacherous ditch on the other side.  I keep trying to send my horse totem over that monstrous fence, and she shies away every single time.  She’s refusing the jump. 

Last night, I had at least three separate moments where I thought seriously about shelving this project.  FOREVER.  Like this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever written in my entire life, what was I thinking moments.  I don’t know if this idea in particular really does stink — or if this is just a by-product of my natural reluctance to build boundaries and limitations. 

I highly suspect the latter, so I continue to grind away on this synopsis.  It’s too long.  The characters are starting to feel flat and downright cheesy to me.  I did limit myself very much in possible markets by setting the story up this way, but I wanted to really make this a difficult challenge.  Oh, boy, I think I really outdid myself on enforcing all sorts rules on this one! 

I’m going to finish the @#&%*@ synopsis, and only then will I allow myself to set this project aside.  The exercise is important, even if I don’t intend to ever write this story all the way to the end.

I’m not going to let this horse refuse the jump.

Sometimes you don’t ride to win the race or take home a trophy.  Sometimes just clearing the jump that scares the beejesus out the horse–but she jumps for you anyway–is the greatest victory of all.

Since finishing the three big revisions in January, I’ve been scattered between multiple ideas this month.  I have tons of ideas, but nothing is concrete and firm enough for me to say YES, this is what I’m doing.  Just had another idea quiver for attention yesterday in church, based on the pastor’s sermon.  I don’t know if it’s a Christian thriller, or UF with angel/demon undertones, but it doesn’t matter anyway.  You know my track record trying to write “UF” or “thrillers.”  Sigh.  It has a really cool title, though.

And that’s my problem:  lack of focus.  Even my little tight romance I wanted to write isn’t quite right. I’m trying to write the synopsis to ensure I have a tight, cohesive story with enough conflict to carry it the length I was planning, and I got stuck.  Not a good sign.

So I’m reading.  Just finished Heart’s Blood by Gail Dayton this weekend.  Loved it even more than New Blood, although I really wanted to kick Grey in the head a few times.  Sorcery – blood magic – is totally up  my alley, you know, and I loved the Victorian/Steampunk feel of Gail’s world.

I’m also writing in my journal by hand, jotting ideas, filling notecards (had to open a second pack) with ideas, but I’m still flitting around like a butterfly.  Patience is hard for me.  I want to GO GO GO.  But I have to trust that when THE idea is in the right place at the right time, that it’ll take off.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep reading the partials I have and see if I can make any forward progress.

It may not look like it, but I am working very hard, I swear.  If I ever clean my desk, I’ll take a picture of my stack of notebooks, notecards, pencils, etc.

So far, I’ve read Passion Unleashed and finished Skin Game (I’ve been reading it slowly on my iPhone), and I started Heart’s Blood.  I’ve been writing in my journal by hand.  Oh, I did sort of read through my Greek story (only have 1 chapter), and started reading through the SFR one, but hadn’t really gotten into either. 

Mostly, I’ve been enjoying the silence.

You know, that constant clamor in my head, story A warring with story B for attention, while Gregar is yammering away non-stop. 

It was mostly quiet, and I really was trying to simply turn off the stories for awhile.  I’ve been in the mood to listen to Phantom of the Opera, so that soundtrack has been playing since late last week.  And while listening to those powerful words in the semi-silence in my head, a puzzle piece fell into place for a story that I wasn’t even going to try and write.  (Because I couldn’t figure out the heart of the story, and if I don’t have the heart, why even try to write it?)

Sigh.  So much for vacation, right?  Because somehow, I’ve come out of two days with a new story to work on…

Ironically, its working title is HEARTFIRES.

January was a busy month of revisions.  I completed not one, not two, but three major revision passes on three different manuscripts.  All are now submitted and the waiting games begin.

Turning in Return to Shanhasson was a major milestone.  The first project I ever completed was Rose…and now that story is complete.  It’s an incredible feeling.  Of course, I’m not done with the Blood & Shadows world.  I have another Keldari novella I want to write, and I have notes and ideas jotted for both of Shannari’s daughters (although it’s been years since I touched them, so likely won’t be able to use much at all).

It’s time for a NEW story to take over.  Thanks to some of my decisions in January, I have two stories I want to write in the next few months.  One is a short and tight romance; the other is a longer, detailed kickoff to a world as big as the Blood & Shadows world.  Since it’s so large, I think I’ll try to get the short work done first, while I make notes and get organized in the SFR world.

That will be my main direction for first quarter of 2010.  Of course, I’m hoping to have new contracted works to announce, and that means revisions and promo and more giveaways.  We’ll just see how all that unfolds.  Right now, I have no scheduled release dates to announce, other than Dear Sir, I’m Yours coming in print April 1st.

Speaking of which, I’m in the building stage for Vicki’s story, Victor and Conn’s sister.  I’m hoping to write that book this year, if I can get her heroes to show up.

But first, I’m rewarding all my hard work since NaNo last year, and I’m going to wallow in reading.  First up, Larissa Ione’s  Passion Unleased and Ecstacy Unveiled, Gail Dayton’s Heart’s Blood, and hopefully Stephanie Tyler’s Hard to Hold.  I have so many other books on my TBR tower that I’m afraid to look, but for sure these are a few I’m hoping to read this month.

Don’t forget to vote for The Road to Shanhasson as the best book of 2009 here!