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Happy (Late) 4th of July

I hope all my American friends have enjoyed their day of Independence.

I slept in — really needed it! — while That Man smoked a massive brisket and a huge family pack of chicken breasts.  I wasn’t sure how the chicken would come out (skinless, boneless), and it was a bit dry, but very tasty.  I marinated it in fresh orange juice, garlic, soy sauce, and sesame oil prior to smoking.

I wasn’t a big fan of the brisket.  Just too fatty and tough for me.  I like my brisket to fall apart, or to be so tender I can easily cut it with my fork.  Not so much today.

Our sides were all healthy.  I made spinach salad with a nonfat Greek yogurt/light Mayo dressing.  I skipped the hardboiled eggs and used just a fraction of the cheese I normally would — still tasted phenominal because it was extra sharp! — shredding it instead of dicing it so it’d go further.  I made mashed potatoes (their request) for the monsters, but grabbed some boiled potatoes for salad made with a similar light dressing.

I even got my Power 90 workout in today!   I’m in really good shape on points today.

I also worked on my website pages, getting ready for Tecun next month.  Ack, I just realized that I’ll be in MN at the home office the same week The Bloodgate Warrior releases, which will be craaazy.  I’m usually worthless on release days.  At least I’ll be stuck in training — where I’ll hopefully be forced into concentration!

You know what a trip to the home office means….

More shopping!  I have jeans and dresses (from RT in April), but absolutely no business casual other than a few skirts.  I really don’t want to wear panty hose unless I can’t help it.  I’m going to wait until the end of July, though, in hopes I might lose a bit more.

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Weight Watchers: When Points Don’t Matter

I knew this all along, but it really came home to me this past weekend.  Sometimes, you can eat within your points and smugly think you’re doing so well….and gain.

It’s not just the weird and frustrating way the scale can lie sometimes when my body retains fluid for whatever reason.  The FOOD I choose to eat does MATTER.  Points — or calories — are not created equal.  Those choices affect my weigh in.

I chose to go back to Weight Watchers because I was tired of having a near-panic attack because I ate something that wasn’t on the “allowed” list.  Struggling all the time.  Making two separate meals everytime I had to cook.  I’ve been on diets that involved no salt.  No carbs.  No meat.  No sugar.  No fat.  You name it.  I didn’t want to be that exclusive.  I wanted to eat with my family on a normal basis and not have to worry that I’d just blown it.

In that regard, Weight Watchers is perfect.  Most of the time, we all eat the same thing.  I just choose parts of the main meal to replace with something slightly healthier.  More and more, the family is also joining me.  Tonight, Middle ate sauteed cabbage and loved it.  That’s 4 out of 5!  Just one more monster to convert…

But I blew it this weekend.  The stress of That Man’s job situation got to me, combined with travel to the in laws and frustration because I didn’t have time to get my workout in before heading out.  I ate my healthy brunch at home while the family ate fast food in the car on the way over.  I made the mistake of not taking some healthy snacks to tie me over… and dinner couldn’t come quickly enough.  I was starving.

And out came the chips and dip.  Sigh.  My old nemesis.

I resisted for at least an hour, but I just got hungrier and hungrier.  One taste of that evil salty goodness and the old addiction kicked in.  I wanted more salt.  More fat.  It was soooo good.  I made myself leave the area and managed to avoid it the rest of the night, but the damage was done.

I indulged in chips again on Sunday while watching movies with the family.  Then we ordered in pizza.  Sigh.

I counted EVERYTHING.  I had to guessimate on a few things, but I did the best I could.  I had the activity points to cover everything, limited myself to only two pieces of pizza, and thought I was okay.  I didn’t even touch my weeklies.  People eat all their APs and weeklies all the time, right?

Yeah, but not with a SALT fest.

(Top that off with a trip to see Brave last night.  That Man couldn’t pass on the popcorn.  I had to listen to that endless munching and resist.  I did it, but man, it was hell after all that salty evil deliciousness I’d allowed back onto my tastebuds.)

So this was week #2 that I saw a 2 lb gain.  That’s right, I’m up 4 pounds in two weeks.  Do you know how long it’ll take me to lose 4 pounds again?  Probably 4-6 weeks.  I’m so mad at myself I could cry.  I know it’s just fluid retention.  I know it’s not really 4 pounds of fat.  But it’ll still take me weeks to get it off again.

On the bright side, I am still managing to do Power 90.  I only made 4 days in a row (instead of 6 as the program specifies) but as sore as I was, I needed the weekend to recover.  I’ve made it 2 days this week.  Even if I can only manage 5 days a week and skip the weekends, that’ll still be a really good goal until life settles down.

I know what the stressor was.  Looking back, I can see the signs.  I don’t know what I could have done to prevent it, but I know working out would have helped.  Next time, if we have to be late for an event, then we’ll just have to be late.  If nothing else, I have to get my workout in!

There are still chips in the house, but hopefully I’ve got the lid clamped back down and my willpower is fully in place.  It’s so funny–the family can indulge in ice cream all the time and it doesn’t tempt me.  Birthday cake.  Even donuts.  Very little temptation.  But oh man the chips.  It doesn’t matter what kind.  Plain.  Cheetos.  Fritos.  I can sometimes handle them in small measured amounts, but when the stress is too high, I can’t.  I can’t even see the open bag on the counter (a huge no no but the monsters continue to forget), I have to really physically rein myself in and get that evil bag shut and put in the cupboard.

Out of sight.  Out of mind.  The points may fit in my plan, but the salt is crack for me.  I just can’t risk it.

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Brave

We finally went to see Brave with two of the monsters last night.  (Princess is at Grandma’s house, and booooy did we hear about her displeasure that we went to see a movie without her!  Especially Brave.)

We all enjoyed it, but it seemed to be lacking that little something to take it from good to fabulous.  For me, it was all about Merida.

On one hand, I loved her.  I loved her hair.  I could understand her frustration with her mother and all the plans for her betrothal.  I mean, the three idiots fighting for her hand were truly laughable.  Even her father thought so.  If they were such a loving family, how could I honestly believe that they’d just hand her over one of these worthless suitors?  Seriously?

The only remotely interesting male character was Mor’Du, the cursed prince/bear.  Why couldn’t she have found a way to save him?  Love could have redeemed him.  Sure he ate her father’s leg and he’d killed countless warriors…

But THAT is my kind of story!

It was cute and funny and tearful.  I laughed when the men all used their kilts to climb down from the tower.  I cried at the end when Merida thought she’d lost her mother.  But it could have been so much more.  Merida didn’t make a big enough change for me.  She wasn’t instrumental in changing her fate, not really.  Her archery skills weren’t the answer to saving anyone in the end.  In fact, it was her mother that stopped Mor’Du.

The movie itself was beautifully done.  But I wanted more.

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Three Days Down

I’ve made it three days in a row for Power 90.  Man I’m soooooore.  I even took it easy on the weight lifting day (yesterday) and skipped round 4 with all the max sets.  And I can hardly make it up and down the stairs tonight.  My left quad and achilles and my right butt cheek are killing me.  I guess I’m uneven.

I’m still having a hard time sticking to my daily points, but I’m only going over 3-6 or so, and I have the activity points to cover it now.  I’m still up 2 pounds, but I know it’ll come off in a few days when the soreness is better.

Plus we had really good news on the homefront today.  That Man has a shiny new CDL license!  Now he’s going through his options, but he should have a job in the next week or two.  That will take some of my stress off and I can hopefully settle into some kind of routine for the rest of the summer.

Sig still isn’t cooperating yet, but I’ve been so tired and stressed with That Man’s test (this morning) that I haven’t really been in the right frame of mind to write at night (and too tired to get up early).  I also have a few scenes I want to add to Lady Blackmyre so I can kick her to the curb and get her submitted.

July should be a busy month!

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Taking Care of ME

I came to an important realization this week.

I wrote earlier that I was going to forgive myself for not making the second round of Power 90 happen with our summer schedule.  I was all proud of myself that I wasn’t beating myself up about that “failure” and just moving on.  Which is good and progress -in a way.

I also said I was going to do an old Billy Blanks Tae Bo workout with Princess.  I finally did, yesterday.  I know a lot of people love Billy Blanks, and I do personally connect with him while he’s instructing.  But he confuses the HELL out of me.  He doesn’t mirror, and I’m so mixed up between doing what he’s doing (which is backwards) and listening to what he says (argh, right not left) and getting my weight shifted to the other leg, etc. etc. that I’m totally lost and confused.  Princess was worse off because at least I had Power 90’s modest tae bo to build on.  We were only trying the foundation – beginning – too, so it wasn’t like a workout or anything.  I didn’t even break a sweat.

Now pause there.  I didn’t break a sweat.  I said that like a bad thing, didn’t I?

I kept thinking and thinking and today when it got close to my lunch, I said to myself, “Self, you really need to try and do Power 90 again.  You feel better.  Remember?”

I do remember.  I love how I feel when I’m working out consistently.  I loooove muscles in my arms.  I love seeing the shape of my abs in my tummy instead of just flubber.  I’ve still got sooo much to lose, and while I haven’t been exercising, it’s the same old story.  Up 2 pounds, down 2.4, up 3, down 1.6, etc.  Today I was up 2.  Not bad after a lazy weekend that led to pizza.  The real deal – pepperoni, my favorite.

I got to thinking about other things too.  How when I workout, I take better care of myself.  It’s the small things.  Like taking a shower.  This might be TMI, but I don’t always take a shower every single day.  Why bother?  I work from home for the Evil Day Job.  No one’s going to know if I washed my hair today or if I threw it in a pony tail.  No one’s going to care if I’m in sweats or jeans or a suit for that matter.

But I know.  I know how I feel when my hair is grungy and I’m wearing my “fat” pants.  I sure don’t feel good about myself.

Not getting in a daily shower is the first sign I’m not taking care of myself.  I don’t wear my cute (tight) clothes as much.  Maybe I don’t wear my favorite Clarks, settling for tennis shoes instead.  Not even my workout tennis shoes…  I don’t lotion up my feet that tend to get dry and rough.  Maybe one day I’m just so tired and stressed out that I don’t feel like cooking.  The kids want pizza anyway…

And that lack of care continues to spread like a cancer in my life, making me feel more depressed and tired.  The more depressed I am, the less care I take.  The less care I take, the less likely it is that I’ll eat healthy and exercise, continuing the vicious circle.  When someone needs to lose well over 100 pounds to get to a healthy weight, then it should be pretty obvious that I haven’t taken very good care of myself for years.

The countless arguments I might throw at myself don’t matter in the end.  It doesn’t matter if we’re busy, if I have to do xyz for the EDJ before this date, or if Lady Blackmyre is beating me up, or Sig won’t cooperate, or I got a bad review, or I have a release out, or…  The list will always be a mile long about why I don’t have time to exercise.

Do I really not have time to take care of myself?

No one else is going to do it for me.  I have too many other people depending on me to take care of them.  I can’t push my own care to the wayside, because someday, it will catch up to me.

I feel better when I exercise.  I eat better.  I sleep better.  I’m more productive in general.  I can solve half the (story)world’s problems in the shower, so why wouldn’t I make sure I get a shower each day?  It seems pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it?

So I am going to try Power 90 again.  Starting today.  And if I miss a day here and there, that’s okay.  I have to keep trying.  I have to keep finding little ways to take care of myself.  Getting in my exercise is the first step.

And who knows, maybe I’ll finally figure out Sig’s problems in the shower.

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Secret Project is Live

A few weeks ago I might have mentioned something about a big secret project that wasn’t a *specific* writing project.  Well it’s live!  I’ll be adding more as the details come in but I hope you’ll stop by and say hello!

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Voices

I’m hearing voices again.  Of course they’re not the voices I’m *supposed* to be hearing right now.  *glares at Sig*  I was having a ton of fun at the Evil Day Job with Java (and I don’t mean my favorite kind that comes in a cup) and I heard him.  He was leaning against the railing of a porch staring up at a gorgeous sunset with whooperwills calling in the distance.

Sam Elliot.  I mean, Ty Connagher.

Virginia was there too.  He was actually talking to her, not to me, but I was able to hear them both laughing and talking plain as day.  Damn, she’s missed him something awful.  And that’s when the dreamy, peaceful scene started to go dark.

I have an idea that her story’s two stories in one.  It’s the past with Ty, before they had children, and the current story with the possibility of a new man.  How they weave together, and who this other man is, I have no idea.   I don’t hear his voice.  I can’t see his face.  He’s not younger than her.  He’s someone even Victor would respect.  But WHO, I don’t know.

As long as Sig isn’t cooperating, I guess I’ll listen to Ty and see what he has to tell me about his great love and her future.  Because of course HE knows.  The dead see things we can’t even begin to understand.  He’s there to help her in some way.

But I’m afraid he might need Miss Belle’s help.

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Weight Watcher Update

It’s taken weeks and weeks and weeks, but I *finally* hit 80 (actually 81) pounds gone since Jan. 2011!

This past stretch was frustrating but I hung in there.  It wasn’t all the scale’s fault.  We’ve had so many “special” event dinners, both at restaurants and home.  Sometimes I’m not tempted, but other times I can’t help but order a burger instead of yet another salad.  I’ve been up as much as 4+ pounds from my last low weight, and it would take weeks to get that extra weight off.

I admit my tracking hasn’t been as faithful either, but I am working at it.  I definitely do better if I track every single day, even if I don’t eat the best.  It’s easier to get right on track again the next meal.

Power 90 has been a bust.  Sigh.  With our summer schedule, it’s just been impossible to get into a regular routine.  Kids are sleeping in late and staying up horribly late at night, making it difficult for us to sleep well.  They’re in and out to their various activities at all hours of the day and it never fails that I need to run someone to a friend’s house for a trip on my lunch… instead of working out.

So I’m going to forgive myself for failing to get Power 90 going right now.  I’ll try again once the kids are back to school this fall.  In the meantime, I’m going to continue doing my pushups as often as I can, and I’ll fit in whatever activities I can with the kids.  Princess wants to start doing Tae Bo, and since I have some Billy Blanks tapes, I’ll do them with her.  It’ll be a nice change of pace, and she needs the exercise as much as I do.

With today’s weigh in, I lost another point, which is making me nervous!  It’s harder and harder to stay within my daily range, especially if I don’t have exercise points to fill in the gaps.  That’s another reason my already slow weight losses have fallen to a molasses creep.  I really think the only reason I finally lost to a new low this past week is that I underate several days just because we were busy.  I can’t do that every day, nor should I.  So I’ve definitely got to get regular exercise built back into my routine, somehow, even if I don’t have a routine!

New foods or techniques:  we’ve been hitting the farmer’s market at least every other weekend and stocking up on things like cabbage, peppers, and zucchini.  Then instead of eating pasta, That Man and I use the sauteed veggies as the base.  Sometimes I’ll use a half of cup of pasta (2 pts) mixed with the veggies so I still get that mouth feel of pasta without as many points.  This even worked well with my “fancy spaghetti” that Littlest Monster requested for her birthday.  (Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but I used turkey italian sausage and 93% lean ground beef to help cut some of the fat.)

So now just about every single night, I take my smaller iron skillet (10″) and cook just veggies in a little olive oil in addition to the main dish.  Sometimes I season it with just salt — other times I use curry and turmeric (makes it a nice bright yellow).  Princess will sometimes eat it, but usually it’s just That Man and me.  Although I sneaked green peppers into everyone’s main dish last night — a weekly favorite this summer that we call “noodle bowls” with soba noodles (only 3 pts per cup), lean beef stirfry with broccoli and whatever other veggies I can trick the kids into eating — and no one complained!

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Review Roundup

Wow, I hadn’t realized it’d been so long since I’d posted here.  I can’t believe June is already half gone!  Let me catch up with some awesome reviews for Yours to Take.

First up is an incredible review by Whitney at RTBookReviews:  4.5 stars and a Top Pick!

Book three in the Connaghers series will delight readers whether or not they have read the first two stories. With concrete world building, multi-layered characters and a dynamic plot, this story is an excellent portrayal of a woman taking her first steps into the world of BDSM and struggling to hold onto the two men who have stolen her heart. Readers will be swept up in this emotional, extremely passionate tale and root for this threesome every step of the way.

She writes more in an extended review here:

Ultimately, Burkhart does a fantastic job of illustrating this new BDSM ménage relationship as it cracks out of its vanilla shell like a baby bird and then takes its first few steps. The story moves beyond interesting to downright fascinating, and is one that readers will feel comfortable with even if they tend to take their erotic romance sans ménage or BDSM elements.

Nancy’s review is also up at Queen of the Night Reviews:

Joely sue Burkhart has a talent for creating worlds that suck you in and make you feel like part of the story. This story is no different, and I felt like I was seeing and feeling everything Vicki was at times. The characters in this are strong and well written and the interaction is fully believable throughout the story.

Thank you so much! If I’ve missed posting a review, feel free to comment or drop me a note (joelysueburkhart AT gmail DOT com). I’ve been discombobulated this summer!